So yeah what had happened was.....
I know it's been a while. A long while. I disappeared like I tend to because you know, juggling...
I will do my best with this post to summarize the gap with the points that are sticking out in my present. Now  

THAT TIME WHEN.....

• I was in a store with my daughter and we passed a gentleman speaking with his dog. He had the most lovely voice so me being me immediately stopped to compliment him. Know what I wanted to say was "You have such a lovely baritone quality to your voice. It would be perfect for reading audio books for others. But what came out of my mouth instead was "My God you have such a nice timber to your voice. I could listen to you read me bedtime stories every night". Yep I did that.. I created that awkward and Izzy just let me step right in it. He looked shocked (he was in his 70's at least) and I walked away wondering what in the world just came out of my mouth.
• There was a field trip for Gabe's kindergarten class to go down to the beach and drag nets to see what kind of life is natural to this area. The trip was going well enough. As the kids are swarming to catch all the fish I am standing back some with other parents. The woman next to me has a baby papoosed on her chest. I mention how comfortable that must feel. To be carried around all cocooned. Then the inevitable happens and I keep talking...."You know that's what all these lonely mid life men should do. Hire themselves as a carrying service for women who need to cocoon." And without much hesitation she puts on the most 'you are total bat shit crazy' smile while literally side stepping away from me. I totally get it. I walked away from that conversation wondering WTF did I just say?

FINDING THE LOVE

• Over the summer on a late spring/early summer day Gabe and I were outside on a mom and dads front porch just watching nature. He had a magnifying glass and was trying to really inspect all the insects out on their morning adventures. Needless to say they kept flying away and he would laugh and at one point exclaimed "Wait! Wait! Let me discover you..." as he was chasing them. It was unbelievably adorable.
• Major revelations on my own behavior. Always working towards integrity, authenticity and genuineness.

MY SOUNDTRACK

• Crush - Tessa Violet 
• Motivation - Benjamin Booker
• When I Get There - Big Wild (SO MUCH THIS ONE)
• 100 Miles Across The Room - Damien Rice
• My Type - Saint Motel
• Angelic Voices - B tribe
• Saint James Infirmary - Hugh Laurie
• Have It All - Jason Mraz
• Maybe IDK - Jon Bellion
• Pretty Girl - Maggie Lindemann
• Tragedy - Norah Jones
• Slow Hands - Niall Horan
• Via con me - Paolo Conte
• Stana Maria - Del Buen Ayre Tango - Gotan Project
• Cold Blood - Dave Not Dave
• Addicted to You - Scorpio Loon
• I'm Into You - Chet Faker

LAUGHS
Gabe has been insistent on wanting a phone to text. I set up a number for him on the ipad and he has been texting me all morning. He is 6. We had some good laughs over this

LIKES

• Mr. Right 
• No Tomorrow
• Galavant
• Santa Clarita Diet

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make " including the thoughts you think " has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts " which will take a lot of discipline " you'll get the right consequences.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling " and then get their way " you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

Gasms - desired anticipation

I love the feeling in desired anticipation.
For me it's through a sort of enchantment.
The feeling right before two lips touch in a kiss.
Seeing a friend when you needed them most.
Waiting to surprise someone.
The touch of someone else's hand on your skin.
The trail of ecstatic pleasure in a single fingertip.
The sort of breath stealing awe when standing on a mountain top
or suspended in an underwater world while scuba diving.
When you sing effortlessly and the notes vibrate throughout you.
Fireflies turning warm nights into magic gateways.

But also the way desire can feel all on its own.
Not desire to own, born of want but desire to feel.
Like just after a great stretch when your whole body exhales and says ahhhhh.
The joy felt in laughter.
The warmth in a hug.
Playful sarcasm.
Reunions.
Sunlight kissing the skin
(It happens. I know because those kisses leave behind freckles. I'm well kissed.)
Your bare feet on the earth.

Because truly the really good shit is so good.
Toe-curling, heart touchingly, deliciously good.
The aching, yearning, need satiated and becoming a pulsing, comforting, ecstatic calm.

Whatever you feel you get to choose.
I choose to experience as much soul in ever aspect of my life that I can.
From bluesy soul, Motwon soul, funky soul, swanky soul.
Soul with GRIT.
I like to  feel to its greatest intensity.
With every atom of my body and being.
That, "I didn't just survive, I thrived" feeling.
I felt it all and I'm still here baby.
Soul is the constant running through everything in my life.
Soul is my transmutation container. 

SOUNDTRACK

• Los Ageless - St. Vincent
• Melatonin - Phoria
• The Ghost In Your Smile - Jarle Skavhellen
• Elegy - Leif Vollebekk
• Beneath The Surface - Demons Of Ruby Mae
• Bud - Fenne Lily
• If U C My Enemies - Rubblebucket
• I Can't Get To Sleep - Alexander Wolfe
• Is Free (feat. Flock of Dimes) - Sylvan Esso
• No One Knows (feat. Inara George) - Olivier Libaux
• Dear Wormwood - The Oh Hellos
• Golden - Kingswood
• Guilty - Lady Wray
• Lullaby For a Soldier - Maggie Siff
• A fuoco - Ludovico Einaudi

Random Thoughts:

On a scale of 25 strengths, my top strength is appreciating beauty and excellence. My second strongest trait is Curiosity. I am a heavily curious person. I love to 'what if' to see other possibilities or snippets of possibilities. I'm constantly changing my perspective and engaging in different ways on different levels. I not only do it logically and objectively but also 'feel' it and observe myself doing all those things.

Objective dreaming. A different kind of awareness. Lucid dreaming. Emotions have effects even when sleeping. The more I can objectively observe my life from outside myself the more it occurs when I'm dreaming. So it is literally turning into a world of its own in a way as I change it's environment thoughtfully. My dreams are a place where I get to 'feel' unhindered. Absolutely no judgment. 

I am Ghee

We all start like milk. It is our base state. 
With nothing but time, parts of us start to rise to the surface.

This is our cream. Rich and silky in texture. 
Some of us stay this way, a mixture of both skim milk and cream.
Some of us take that cream and truly create magic.
While others skim away and discard the cream and all that remains is skim milk.
Not as robust as when they first started.If cream was a body then fat is it's skeleton.
Discarding their 'bones' to remain a skinnier version of their former selves.
Yet others allow force to morph them.
They use the force to their advantage. 
With a little whipping you get whipped cream.
Add a little sugar and a touch of vanilla and you have a light airy goodness
It goes great with desserts. Lots of people love whipped cream.
If you continue your journey with force the next step is butter and buttermilk.
Who doesn't love these?! Or maybe that's just my Austro-Hungarian roots speaking.
Butter made from cream with nothing but maybe salt added is much healthier to eat than most of what you find in the store.
Now in truth some skim milk people believe they are butter but don't realize they are just a poor imitation product made of many things that are absolutely horrible for you. 
The next step with butter is to apply heat and make clarified butter and eventually Ghee.
It has a longer shelf life than butter and higher smoke point.
It also has a delicious browned, nutty, caramel-like taste and aroma.
I am Ghee. I am a bit nutty.
My point in this is when we face outside force we can use it to enhance ourselves. To morph into healthier things. 
When you avoid force you become skim milk.
A portion of what you were before. Boneless. Less. 
Don't be skim milk.
Take the whipping and be something more.

SOUNDTRACK

• Trusty and True - Damien Rice
• Raise it Up - Distant Cousins
• What About Us - Pink
• Whatever You Want - Pink
• So What - Pink
• Never A Time - Genesis
• Sabotage - Beastie Boys
• Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps - Doris Day
• While My Guitar Gently Weeps - Santana and India Arie
• Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
• River Deep, Mountain High - Tina Turner
• I Was Made to Love You - Stevie Wonder

SNAPSHOTS