As the end of the year draws near I find myself sitting here taking stock of all that has gone one in the last 12 months. It's truly amazing to me just how much can change in a short amount of time. Most of the changes if not all have been from within myself. Somewhere along the way what linear succession I was able to maintain all but flitted out the window and I find because I sort of abandoned it my mind and it's functions has changed. I have spoken before about how when you go far enough back in to our history is somehow flips and turns in to mythology. My memories are like that for me. I have never been back to revisit old haunts and places where I grew up. The memories have shifted in to a sort of fog and I find sometimes I question if they were ever true at all.
I realized this only because someone suggested going through each month this year to see how it was and what happened and changed and to be honest I don't have specifics. I don't really recall which month something happens in but I can tell you if it was at least summer or winter etc. Some months obviously stand out more than others but mostly even yesterday is like a fog. Once I have experienced it in the present moment it simply drifts on. I have no need to categorize it and file it. I'm sure it didn't help that I moved 34 times by the time I was 25. I stopped counting after that. Because of it all there are times where I do feel like my life is the dream and upon death I will awaken. Who knows and who cares really. Inconsequential to my day to day.
Life moves on, every flowing. Upon taking stock I observe just how much damage I left in my wake. How my emotional immaturity has hurt others. How often I reacted rather than responded. It makes me flinch sometimes. I have this desire to be constantly aware of my actions and feelings so that I can use them properly instead of as misguided weapons I didn't mean to launch.
I have given a lot of thought to the question "What do you want?" Every time I think about this I never end up with specifics aside from the word Genuine. I know it's not always pretty. It's not always nice, but it is honest.
I can think of other words that I could also put along side it but this is my broadness at play. I don't have specifics when it comes to what I want. I do not want anything different than what everyone wants. Security, Love, and Safety ultimately. I would love the ability to travel. Months at a time in places but always sort of transient. I would love to experience different cultures.
Things I (want): Middle English: the noun from Old Norse vant, neuter of vanr ‘lacking’; the verb from Old Norse vanta ‘be lacking.’ The original notion of “lack” was early extended to “need,” and from this developed the sense ‘desire.’
To suck the marrow of life. To dance like a dervish, and sing with rapture. To not be afraid. To go on grand adventures even in my own back yard. Simplicity, honesty, trust. To always have a creative outlet. Laughter. Sarcasm. It's almost never about achieving for me to an end goal but the experiences along the way. I feel as though I need to define an end goal better but I feel like that is having an expectation of what it will look like. I just know that whatever end goal I choose will not look like what I thought it would. It's that right there that stops me when making lists of what I want and honing it down to the initial Security, Love, and Safety. To use words to their most effectiveness. And most of all to believe in magic.
That is where I will leave it all for now. The clouds, sun, and breeze and beckoning me and I can no longer resist their tug.
Nicknames : Jade, Tasubi, Wednesday, Smalls, Tidbit, Nugget, Ant, Cindy-Cat, Sin, Skeeter Bite, Hindy-Lou, Thea, Half Pint, Nyx, Silhouette, Thrush, and Squirt
I don't like to say Nothing left to lose. Instead I prefer, Nothing more to lose.
You can feel the difference. Just like the difference between being Poor or being Broke.
You can feel the difference. Just like the difference between being Poor or being Broke.
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