How Empathy Can Suck

I'm beginning to see that empathy in it's extreme can be a huge roadblock to healthy relationships. I feel first outwardly then work inwardly with logic. I have a tendency to chameleon a bit to people when I first meet them. This is the easiest and fastest way for me to get a feel on who the other person is. The problem for me is that my empathy is so strong I sort of take on the other's emotions as my own and without an equal balance of awareness of the fact that I am doing that it causes issues within myself.  Empathy without a strong sense of self in my opinion is a hindrance.
I realized last night that I 'feel' too much. I know I can say that because I know for me the balance is off. I wasn't even wholly aware of that balance until recently. It is the thing that makes me feel the most emotionally immature. There is nothing wrong with feeling. There is nothing wrong with empathy but there is an excess in how much empathy I think you should show based on how secure you are in yourself. I judge this by checking in with how I am feeling. If I have a day where I am getting weighted down by feelings I try to immediately take stock of why.
I wondered last night how to better control my empathy and then quickly realized that trying to control the emotion itself is like trying to grab water. I had to start looking at why I lead with it so hard. What am I using empathy to fill the gap for? The answer for me at least was self worth. It takes strength of character to properly use empathy. In truth I wanted to be anyone but me, but you can't be anyone other than yourself and be a happy stable person. 
One of my biggest mantras for me lately has been "I'm not wrong or broken, I'm just different." I understand that my mind does not work like the majority. Advertisers do their jobs by finding the largest majority opinion or view on something. The highest percentage of like minded answers. I will never fit in to that category. Not because I'm trying to be obstinate or for rebellious purposes, or because I want to be different but just because of the way I use my mind.
I am now learning how to allow my empathy in helpful ways without leeching and adopting their emotions as my own. How not to over identify. I am able to do this by determining my own worth, and opinions first. By checking in and believing and accepting who I am. It is such a simple thing and once again I am faced with It's not easy, it's simple. Time and time again I find solutions are always the simplest answer. Simple however does not imply easy. Even in this instance to break this all down in to one sentence as an answer it would be this: Love yourself., celebrate you, because you and only you are the answer to every question.

I write often. I journaled for a long time in an effort to not have things 'stuck' in my head and while it was cathartic it wasn't helpful in the same way it is for others. The fact is I process best when talking. Not talking at someone but with someone, to have actual conversations. I find this awkward as hell though because I don't like to burden others and nor do I want to sound like I'm always complaining. I self edit like a mofo. I have spent many years trying to change the way I process. Having believed myself to be wrong since I'm not like others therefore I MUST be the problem. I think a lot of the non majority secretly feel this way. I also think that is why there is a such a big boom right now with life coaches and the like. The non majority is saying 'Wait a minute, your system doesn't work for me'. 
Our thoughts have become as automated as the technology we use. 
Discipline is key for me. Admittedly I had gotten to a point where my discipline practically disappeared. Days where It was considered a miracle just to actually get dressed. Not a fancy dressed either, just jeans and a shirt but dressed non the less. I used to feel guilty for it. Our society can be quite hard on the image of having your shit together. Guilty and angry that I just couldn't seem to 'get my shit together'. Just another way to abuse ourselves. Focusing on what we aren't doing or don't have instead of encouragement for not giving up. You bet your ass I celebrated those days where the only thing I accomplished was putting pants on. It builds momentum.
Friction happens when our actions don't line up with our values. More friction happens if you have no real strong sense of what your own values are. Have you ever really stopped to think about your values? Are they well defined? 

Now on to lighter things

Gabe has made me laugh so much as of late. The other night he comes running into my room saying "Mom, you be the whore and I'll be the hider" I sat perplexed for a minute, scanning my brain for what it is he is actually saying when a little light flips on and illuminates that what I am hearing as the word Whore is actually him trying to say Horror. He wanted me to be the scary horror in minecraft so he could hunt me.
Yesterday he was sad that the rose from Nana’s lost a petal. In a very gentle voice I responded “All things die” and as he was skipping away he exuberantly quipped “Not our Christmas tree!” 

SOUNDTRACK

• Baby It's Cold Outside - Leon Redbone and Zooey Deschanel
• Christmas Time Is Killing Us - Family Guy
• Masquerade - The Phantom Of The Opera
• Music of the Night - Phantom Of The Opera
• We Both Reached For The Gun - Chicago
• Turn Of A Friendly Card - Alan Parsons Project

Random Thoughts:
Hear with your eyes, listen with your hands... I want to know what 'good morning' tastes like on your lips.... hand massages... upside down... I am the very model of a modern major general...