Getting In My Own Way

I do not like to lose my temper. When emotions over ride my ability to respond rather than react. Right now this is the only way I feel like saying anything. Preferring in life to just keep my mouth shut as I don't want to hurt myself further with it. I do not like being emotional but neither do I want to control it to the point that they lessen to the point of disappearing.
I said some things yesterday that I regret. Things that were totally irrelevant to the conversation that was being had. I was hurting and growing frustrated and that is when I threw more on than needed or wanted. I walked away being the maddest I have probably ever been at myself. It's a catch 22 because I want to not be ruled by my emotions and yet don't want to control them in the wrong ways.
I have always punished myself more than anyone else ever could. I find myself sitting here doing just that. I walked right into it and if that wasn't enough I behaved like a petulant teenage or a toddler throwing a tantrum. Now in reality it was no where near as severe as I make it sound but it was that severe to me. There comes a point when right and wrong stop mattering. Taking a backseat to the way I feel. Which is important and not important at the same time. Important because feelings help in so many ways and we all want to feel loved and unimportant because they gunk up the gears and cause undue stress when dealing with anyone other than yourself. I haven't decided yet which is better for me and I'm stuck a bit in between them.
It takes a lot of strength to be the bigger person and I know I am capable of it but sometimes just lack the energy for it. Also quite frankly I get tired of it. It leaves me feeling unappreciated if I'm the one always having to take the high road. I know I feel like that because I haven't found the right combination of things I need to release the stress and strain that I sometimes feel. That we all feel from time to time. I would love to exercise it out, or take a break when I need it, paint, write, whatever but there are times I get in my own way and this is where other people come in very handy. This is where family and friends have the greatest impact. When I can't seem to escape myself.
I sat down earlier and decided to watch Alice Through The Looking Glass because I needed a little magic. I needed to escape or rather to return home in a sense. While watching the movie my father called and told me something that instantly made me cry. He paid me the biggest compliment. A genuine moment of connection. He is proud of me. This year will be remembered by me as the year I felt I was truly connected to my father. A man I have practically idolized my entire life. A man whose opinion has always mattered more than he can ever realize. It is the year he told me what he admired about me. Validated. Loved. Appreciated. An Adult and an Equal.
A dear friend of mine took time out their day yesterday to stop and take a few sunset pictures to share with me. Knowing I have been missing sunsets greatly. Again I cried. People are capable of such beautiful things. It was totally unexpected and it's the sincerity and care that bring me to tears. It was such a simple thing to them and yet to me it was immense. It literally stopped time briefly.
I am so appreciative of the people in my life. Each and every one of them helps in different ways. I consider each one magical. Each has their own magic that they share. My fireflies, my stars, my catalysts, my comforts, I would not survive without those connections.

To all those people and society that don't understand me and feel a need to make me feel small because of my beliefs.

I'm sorry that I offend you in so many ways. That somehow by being me, it hurts you because of your insecurities. They are yours and not mine and I am tired of you trying to make me believe they are true. They are not my truth. I will not climb back into that cage. If you do not like to be in one, why try to put others in them?

And to top off all of that this morning after dropping off gabe I see that everyone is in their pj's. It's a pj day at school and I did not know. Gabe is one of the very few children dressed in clothes instead of pj's. This absolutely made me feel like a horrible mother. I failed. Hard on this. I had no idea and I should have. 

Now I'm back to my silence for a time. I'm just not doing so great today. I am doing my best to salvage what I can and forgive myself but I just don't believe in me today.