I have always been a bit awkward and determined. Anything I do, I do it with full on gusto. I commit to it 100% created and backed by my determination.
I was a very happy baby. My grandmother and mother always describe my disposition as "you never meet a stranger". I loved to be outside. One day mom had laid me in the playpen on the porch for a nap and sort of forgot about me for a time because I never made a sound after I woke up. I was in my element. I did not speak until I was 3 years old. My mother was growing increasingly worried and talked to her mother Kitty who told her "Don't worry. One day she will start talking and never stop." She hit the nail on the head with that one.
In hindsight I understand that he was reacting to his own feelings whatever they were. Logical 8 year old decision. But to another 8 year old who just got hit with HER own feelings it was the moment, the echo is the snap, that a different perspective of fear was birthed forth. After this anytime any one of my peers said something, I would ask If it was true? and How would it hurt me?
In 6th grade we took a field trip to Washington D.C. It was a weekend trip. We lived very simply. Money was tight and managed well. My parents gave me a 6 pack of coke for the trip. This was a big deal. We weren't often allowed to have it. Almost never. I took three and left three with mom so she and my sisters could all have one of their own.
I sat on the bus with my very quiet friend. At the back of the bus was one of my other friends. Sitting with the most popular kids. All of the adults rode on the other bus with the other rest of the classes. During the trip the friend in the back comes forward and asks me to stand up. Which I did. She then proceeded to lift my skirt in front of the entire bus. Mortification is the word that gets the most far off close to describing how that felt. And wouldn't you know it? There are embarrassment and rejection again. I was also forgotten on this trip. Literally. At the tomb of the unknown soldier the teachers let me go to the bathroom and when I exited they were all gone. I asked the first adult I could where they had went. He explained how to get to the changing of the guard. I was not escorted. I was sent to walk it alone until I could find them.
Now on top of these big moments there are these smaller moments of reinforcement usually brought on by my awkwardness and extreme klutziness. I trip. Walk into objects and walls. Have coughing fits when it's supposed to be quiet. Stick my foot in my mouth. Get my shirt caught on the opposite door side knob. Shut hair, keys, and fingers in doors. Confess love to strangers. Laugh at all the wrong things and all the wrong times. The list goes on and on and on.
Grade school left me feeling embarrassed around peers. The high school was 7th - 12th grade. These years were filled with so much awkward. In 7th grade I was 12 years old. This is when one of my girl friends would spend the night and pretend to fall asleep then try to kiss and fondle me. I got off the bed and moved to the back of the room. She followed. After that I went downstairs to the couch and stayed there. This is also the age that it wasn't just peers trying to be inappropriate with me. An adult had caused the next echo of a snap. Shame, terror, and violation entered the picture. The year continued with seniors pushing me down to run across me and Teachers stopping their classes when they would see me in the hall to ask "Are you in the right school sweetie?" Believing me to belong in the grade school.
From 3rd to 9th grade we lived in Pittsburgh. We were going to be moving to Alabama during the summer. People signed my yearbook and something unkind was written about two someones, next to their picture. So I scratched it out. The two people it was about wanted to know and would not let up and I would not tell. So we were to 'meet at the chain' to fight after school. I will not go in to details but suffice it to say I won whatever way I could. There is no such thing as a fair fight. I look for the fastest way to end it without hurting the other person too badly but enough to make them stop.
By the time I hit 10th grade I already had a firm belief that the only reason anyone of my peers would like me was just to make fun of me and betray me for laughs or use me in ways I did not want. I also believed that if an adult was nice to me it was because they wanted to violate me in some way. To be honest I have no idea how I came off to my peers through the high school years. I spent most of it as emotionally guarded as I could all the while believing I wasn't emotionally worth much of anything good. I wasn't 'date-able' as I was told countless times "I don't want to look like I'm dating my little sisters best friend". I received threats on a few occasions from other female peers for reasons I still don't understand. On a whole though the school in Alabama was nicer than the one I came from. My peers were not as near critical as their northern counterparts. I just had no faith anyone would honestly like me as a person. My life remained tinted with that view a lot longer than most people would think.
In yearbooks I disappear after 10th grade. I am not pictured in the row of classmates and not mentioned in the names of the ones without pictures. There is one nameless photo I appear in that was taken sitting against a wall during a tornado drill and one picture in the yearbook after my graduating class I appear with my friend as prom dates.
I really do think that classes should be introduced into school that talk about emotions and feelings and how they can manipulate us. We do a poor job with teaching emotional education. We as a society are failing on this front out of school as well.
The years after school are for another write for another time. It wasn't until the last few years that I understood just how much I was letting fear drive my car. Anytime I was in public I was in a timid and terrified state even if it didn't look like it. Everything is ambiguous to me. I'm never quite sure what anyone is saying or how they mean it. I am very literal and find it easiest to accurately answer a question with as many specifics as possible.
It is because of these moments that I am very open about most things people find offensive or inappropriate and very private about things most are open about. This has also shaped some of my moral beliefs which are unconventional to most. The thing is, I may always be awkward and klutzy but now they are benefits rather than detriments. I have learned that they are a part of my adorkable charm and I am good with that.
Those things that you think are your weaknesses are really your greatest strengths. You just haven't been taught how to see them properly because you are too busy feeling them.
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