Spaces In Between: Oh The weather outside.....

Today is a slow kind of day. I started my morning with Motown tunes. It's cold and drizzling and the drizzling sucks major balls because it's cold and windy which makes the drops like kamikaze pricks upon my skin.
I'm always shinnicked. ALWAYS. My resting heart rate is 46 bpm and this is probably the biggest contributer to being cold. I simply just don't pump blood at a fast rate. It also doesn't help that I have little to no body fat so I'm lacking insulation. Ultimately it means I wear sweaters in 60 degree weather and in the winter I layer like a mofo.
I have a list of things that need to get done and just no umpf to do them today. In fact about the only thing I really feel inspired to do is find a fireplace and since I don't have one I will just put one on the T.V. and call that craptastically ok.
There is not major news or any mind blowing or bending ideas in my head today. I find more of my heart every day and in the last two I have had this strong desire for tenderness and romance. That's new for me. The last time I felt anywhere near romantic I was 18.

I was just sitting here thinking about my biggest 'tick'. Privacy. As a woman I have never had any. Everyone I ever dated felt a need to go through my shit. My first boyfriend would drive by the place I said I was going to be to make certain I was there. He would use the phone after me to see if I was lying about who I called or who called me. The second boyfriend would wait for me to fall asleep to go through my trash and my computer. Others have demanded the right to see my phone and my accounts. It is not as though it was because of my behavior in the beginning. It simply has always been and every time it happens I get more defensive about my privacy.
I don't know if men realize this at all. Judging by the men in my past I would say that is a big resounding NO they most definitely don't understand. The thing is though it isn't just about phones and emails etc. I think because of my size I have always been pushed and preyed upon. An example is the one and only time I rode Greyhound. Halfway through the state of Alabama the man sitting next to me, not even casually, reach over and grabbed right between my legs. I was livid and bet your ass I made a scene. When I got to the exchange in Atlanta I wondered around until I found an older woman sending her daughter off to college so I introduced myself to the both of them and asked if I could sit next to her for the remainder of the trip. They agreed and thank goodness.
I personally think this stems from our media. How often do you see the not so great guy getting a beautiful woman. The men can be sloppy, overweight, geeky, etc and yet they all get pretty girls. Now name a place where an unattractive woman gets the hot guy. I think men are taught that no matter what they all are owed the bombshell. It is reinforced in movies and t.v. shows. I also think this stems from the hierarchy of man is at the top and the woman is beneath him. Women were, for a very long time, treated as a sort of property. Somehow men have gotten the idea that we are an object and a possession that is theirs and not our own. Because of that objectification they feel entitled to go through their woman's stuff without every thinking anything about it is wrong or hurtful.
I'll tell you right now that if you feel the need to spy on me. To force yourself in to my privacy then just go ahead and leave me now. Why would you even want to stay in a relationship where you feel a need to spy? Do you not see how truly unhealthy that is all the way around?

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