When I was growing up we lived on a tight budget. I always said it was like being broke but not poor. If you know me you know how choosy I am with my words. Broke implies a temporary fixable state. Poor implies lack. Lack of dedication. Lack of hope. Acceptance of sub par standards.
I was not particularly looking forward to this Christmas Season. It has been a tough year. In some ways one of my most trying. This year I was Poor. This year made it often feel like I was forced to grab my ankles while given the ole' heave ho. Even growing up as broke as we did I have never lived as poor as I have lived this year. And quite frankly it almost had me convinced that it's what I deserved. That I was worthless. Broken. Wrong.
August through November alone were like a firework finale of 'how low can you go'. A hand jive made of all middle fingers. They were so intense in suckitude that I can barely remember the beginning of the year. It wasn't just financial but emotional as well. A double whammy. In November I had a break down. I don't even remember what the straw that broke the camel's back was but oh did it break. Out surrounded by people it gave. I simply against my own will crumpled to the floor in a flood of tears unable to stop.
That moment led to a breakthrough. I decided December was not going to follow suit, at least emotionally if I had anything to do about it. I did what I am good at. I used my determination to get up, stand tall, and keep my heart open. I was pains mistress for 28 years. Not just one type of pain but a buffet of it both physical and emotional. December was going to be mine. The way I wanted it to be. December was going to let me finish with some form of grace and poise even if it had to be through gritted teeth teetering on the edge of Give Up mountain.
I made more time for myself to remain as centered as I could be. If I felt like I was beginning to let fear win, I stopped what I was doing and did something small for me. Listen to a song. Watch a movie. Take a nap. Drink a glass of wine. Watch the clouds. Reach out to friends. Linger in the bath longer. Whatever it was, it was for me.
Because I did that this month went much smoother than the previous ones. Still so close to losing everything but emotionally back to vibrant calm joy within myself. I have been working on flexibility and movement. I have been teaching gabe breathing techniques. I have changed quite a few old behaviors. I have emotionally matured in a major way. Meaning my emotions are more mature, less reactionary and defensive.
This holiday break alone has been tremendous progress. The biggest one has been my compassion. I feel like before my compassion was selfish. To be compassionate to others because it made me feel better. It upgraded. I now show compassion because it's truly healing for the other person. It has nothing to do with me anymore aside from being a conduit to it for others.
I had a two hour conversation the other night with my younger sister and really got to know her as the adult and person she now is. We talk quite often but it was the first time she really let lose and reminisce about growing up and what it looked like for her. The behaviors that the family exhibited that hurt her. How she felt about it all and truly who she is. Ultimately my sisters and I know that we do and will always love one another. That we have each others backs. We are The Three Amigos. The Powerpuff Girls. An unbreakable trio. That doesn't mean we don't sometimes annoy each other but ultimately it's us against the world.
In my stretching the other day I felt things literally bubble up and release. I felt taller, straighter, and lighter than I have in a long time. It was a great way to approach Christmas festivities. This Christmas had the least amount of presents ever but the most amount of presence. I began to wonder if we have just been understanding it wrong. That holidays were always meant to be about presence and not presents. The lie consumerism feeds us.
I got to use my newly mature compassion and I got to sit in front of a fire in a fireplace for most of Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I can't begin to tell you how relaxing and magical having only string lights and a fire in the fireplace is to light an area. I turned off all overhead lighting and just soaked it in. Then around 1am I snuck outside all bundled up and just looked at the stars (there was very little light pollution where I was) and watched them reflect on the lake as the wind blew the neighbors wind chimes. It was as if the stars themselves were chiming. Those are the moments that refuel me. Those are the moments I want more of.
SOUNDTRACK
SNAPSHOTS
Random Thoughts
a death to his identity... better to be a fool than a tool.... I write to romance myself... I suck at flirting... delve... dive... wild... meld... intensity... your presence is my present...
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