Spaces In Between: Failing Ethics

I have been off living vividly. I have used the last few years to really be present and continue to gather moments, ideas, feelings, and so much more.

THAT TIME WHEN.....

I got off the boat with car keys in hand (this is a key detail) and moved effortlessly from the bow to the finger pier. I walked confidently down the finger and turned onto the main pier and as I did so there was the 'ploop' sound of water being moved just right. It sounded just like it does when people do it with their cheek and tongue placement... you know the one... the water drip sound. Yeah that. That sound was the quietest loud sound in that moment.

Everything happened so fast. The turn, the fumble, the sound, and the immediate inquisitive "What was that sound?" And at that very moment I realized what had happened and for the splitiest split of seconds I so desperately wanted to pretend like I had no clue. Instead I looked up and said in the most sheepish of ways all drawled out "Your k e e e y y y s s s..."

There was a blur of movement and before I knew it he was naked and in the water diving to find them. Down he went and then up he came empty handed. With a much better wisdom of how and where to find them. Down he went again, this time emerging victorious. In the muck and the mire with the use of a barnacled pylon and speed he became the hero.

Up until this point I had always made sure to place keys in pockets that zip up. I was careless this day and as a direct result I know carry the keys by wearing them like a ring around my finger, grasping the keys in my hand and keeping that hand in my pocket when I have no zippered pockets available.

FINDING THE LOVE

(Side Note)
I had a fight the other night. Halfway through I decided to hit record on my phone and place it on a surface. I did this for a reason but not the one you are probably thinking. You see I pay attention to the feedback I am given. What people have said about me. If something comes up enough that I notice a pattern I start to really pay attention. I became aware of the fact that I may not always remember things exactly when I'm deep in my feelings. I feel first and I have been trying to learn how to respond rather than react to things that I am feeling. If I am angry though it gets much harder to do when I am feeling like a failure. So I set it to record and forgot. I knew future me would need to listen to it.

(Here are my initial thoughts I wrote down within 24 hours)

I gave it a listen. It hit me hard. I cried at my own ugly behavior. I did not behave in a way that made me proud. Was I the worst I could be? No. I did have some control but still far from where I want it to be. It was incredibly humbling. I felt a need to come type it out because honestly at this moment I feel so overwhelmed that I am not quite sure what to make of all of it yet.

It was ugly. I won't go in to great detail except to say that it escalated stupidly. Between his action and words, and mine, we sped forward like a train going down hill. He actually tried to calm the situation down a few times but I snapped with him muttering loud enough for me to hear about his opinions of women. That upset me, being in my emotions made me feel as though I could not let those comments slide, I was already feeling low and sensitive. If I had not allowed it to ruffle my feathers we would have just slept in separate beds and talked in the morning with cooler heads. But it breaks my heart when he mutters stuff like that because I hate to think he would think of me that way. It chips away at me a little bit and makes me sad to witness whatever resentment he has against me slowly change how he sees me.

(Here are my thoughts after another day of processing)

I realized that when I am feeling very emotional I am not listening well. I thought that I was in better control of myself. I did not realize my voice was loud or my tone was ugly. I must have minimized my actions in my mind. It has made me think that when any of us are reacting to emotions rather than responding we are not fully aware and unjudgmental. My perception was skewed by being emotional state. It was eye opening in how I perceive something while it is happening versus witnessing it from the 3rd person. It was humbling.

It was also healing. I cried as I listened. Here was a hard and ugly part of me that I had to be honest enough to face and humble enough to learn from. I never want to be indignant, arrogant, or selfish. I heard all of it in my tone and words. It showed me where I unknowingly contribute to some my patterned problems. Problems because I want to change them. I want to stop miscommunicating. I want all of my actions to match my words and vice versa.

I can say that I feel we were both in the wrong. Wrong determined by the fact that we actually care for one another a great deal and neither one of us ever intends to hurt the other. We both failed us. I do wonder what we both did that allowed us to get to that point. It's like that saying that sometimes we hurt the ones we love most. As always it's a thousand tiny little things that culminated in to what transpired.

I can sit and think on each but then I will fall in to over thinking everything. The best I can do off the bat is recognize my less than stellar behavior and take the actions I need to feel more proud of myself and step one was to apologize. Apologize without expecting anything. Apologize to him and to myself.

I was raised to know simply saying "I'm sorry" is a great base first step but then it should be followed with a why you are sorry. An I'm sorry simply because you feel as though you did something wrong or want to pacify the other person followed by "because I hurt you" isn't all there is. While it may be true it is lacking in real accountability.

"I'm sorry for hurting you by weaponizing my words and aiming them at your soft spots. I am sorry that I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me. I let myself and you down." is better. It claims ownership of my own ugly. It shows what actions I did that contributed to the hurt.

We are all human and I strive to give basic human respect. Humanity is how humane we treat each other. You can have opinions I don't agree with. You can behave in ways I don't like but that does not mean I feel you should be treated in anyway less. I want for you the same human respect I would like for myself. We all make mistakes. We all have our trials. All of us. I failed myself. I failed my own ethics.

I could simply feel bad and hate myself but that's not healthy for anyone. I use moments like these to learn how to be someone I can always be proud of. I want to live in line with my heart. We all know deep down in all of us there are ugly parts. Hard parts. I don't want to allow the feeling of shame to stop me from growing. In order to do that I have to learn how to forgive myself and love my ugly parts and hard parts and quite frankly if I can't then how would anyone else be able to.

For me I had to face an ugly part. I had to look at it and be honest. How would I have felt if it had been done to me? How would it make me feel? I would hate it. It would make me feel like I must be a truly horrible person. I then look at myself and say does that mean I'm a bad person or unlovable? When my children made mistakes did it make them bad people? Did it mean they didn't deserve love? No? Then why would I not show myself the same care I would for my children? Did I do wrong? Yes. Am I sincere in my apology to myself and said other person? Yes. Can I do better? Yes.

Dealing with my ugly this way allows me to forgive myself for not doing better when I know I am capable of better and not to disparage myself harshly because it would be crushing and I would be stuck. That means it is not a valid option. The more I face the hard and ugly parts the more I learn how to be kind to myself so that I can truly be a kinder person. Humane is the very least we should try to be to one another. If we want kindness then we have to show kindness, even to ourselves.

What have I learned?

It is better to respond rather than react. You can't control other people, only yourself and how you deal with yourself lays the foundation for how others will treat you. Time is a good equalizer. Allow some time to pass before committing to any strong opinions or perceptions.

MY SOUNDTRACK

LAUGHS

There have been some but I am not thinking straight enough to remember

RANDOM LIKES

mudbugs
umpty = indefinite number
Abscotchalater (ab-SKOCH-uh-late-er)
many a mickle makes a muckle
My eye went with me = I fell asleep

RANDOM FACT

Manatees lower themselves in water by passing gas

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

collapsing moments, definition of virtue = conformity to a standard of right., necessity is the mother of everything, I am just a random girl with gentle manners,

Spaces In Between

1/31/22

Failing Ethics

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Failing Ethics