Spaces In Between: I didn't quit, I just stopped and then I started to live

I was married for 9 years. The first two were not flawless. There were red flags I failed to check. Important ones. I was raised to be empathetic, considerate, and giving. All great qualities except when you lack self worth. I made a lot of assumptions in those first two years. I assumed that people will treat you as you treat them. I assumed that when someone tells you they love you it means they trust you. I assumed that there are always growing paints and periods of adjustments as you learn to communicate and navigate married life together.

2 years in we had a baby.
6 years in we tried to hit the reset button.
8 years is all I could last.
The 9th year was spent completely separated.

I can talk for hours about all the things that went wrong and why. I can give detailed accounts on both sides of our failures but this isn't that story. I take time to mention it here as I know some of it will creep in from time to time in future writes. This story is about buried treasures

A couple of months ago I decided to face one of my biggest fears... myself. I knew I had compartmentalized myself and my emotions. I did not know what I would find once I went looking. I was certain it would not be good.

Do you know what I found?... Laughter. Can't breathe, drool on yourself, side splitting, laughter. I thought I would spend hours crying and I did cry, just not in the way I was expecting to. And, as I realized that thought exactly, then I cried. I cried because what I found buried deep down inside of me was laughter. I buried laughter. I thought for sure there would be things so horrible I forgot them on purpose. But nope. In order to survive I felt I had to bury laughter. And that made me feel sad for young me and then so happy to have finally unburied it.

I have opened myself up to just be me and it feels so much healthier. In the past few months I have dug in to so many experiences and have met so many people and I have so many things to write about that I don't know where to begin.

RANDOM STORY ---

The first time we were out on open water together coincides with the first time I ever stole a boat. Albeit it was a peddle boat but a boat non the less. It was a water going vessel and therefore can't it technically be called a boat? I mean it even has the word boat in its name but I digress.

The hour was late, the moon bright, and the air was summer night warm like only late August can do. I think you were looking for any reason for me not to leave. You asked if I would like to take the peddle boat out and at first I declined but with a little (you say) encouraging, (and I say) challenging from you, we were under way. We were ever so quiet. I would like to say gracefully quiet but I think that might be stretching it. Regardless we were quiet enough not to rouse anyone.

We peddled out and then just sat, letting the current carry us while we allowed the moment to be exactly what it was. Two people sitting under the vast and open sky taking it all in. The hazy glow around the lights on the shore. The hush of the night and her blanket of stars. I sat there in awe of the immensity of life. That somehow here I was... sitting with you in the middle of the night and finally knowing the answer to "I wonder what he looks like draped in moonlight".

We did not stay out long. A half hour at most, but it was timeless to me. Those times where I am so in the present moment that it feels like everything exists just for me. Just for me to witness and experience it. It also made me think of peddle boat races and what it would cost to make that happen. Which falls in the same category that contains Body Bubble Balls and title of that category is Fun Shit To Try, which as an acronym is fstt, which is the sound of obvious agreement you make when someone asks "Do you want to try it?" to which the response is always "fsst...Of Course!"

We returned the vessel and conversated for a bit before I dragged myself away. And yes I know technically I should have used the word conversed in the previous sentence but I chose conversated just because I like some nonsense.

That excursion was the start of many adventures.

MY SOUNDTRACK ---

LAUGHS ---
Gabe likes to play "Gotcha Last". This game started one morning when trying to get Gabe in to the car to go to school. Opa decided to run up and tag him then run away saying "Gotcha Last!" A few time around the kitchen table and Gabe tags Opa and runs for the car. He jumps in as fast as he can and with frantic excitement "LOCK THE DOORS!"

So last night Gotcha Last starts quietly enough. Gabe is trying to lure me to his position in the front bedroom. I patiently wait pressed up against the hallway wall like a shadow. I hear his footsteps drawing near and as he turns the corner I lunge to tag him and he shrieks and laughs. I scared him good. The game is in mid swing when Gabe runs to the art room and shuts the door. The art room also has a door to the outside.

Opa tries to make it out one door and come around behind him but by the time he gets there Gabe is already out of the art room and roaming the house looking for opa.

The next time he runs for the art room I have opa keep him engaged on the door while I go around outside to come in behind him. I come in the side door quietly and creep up behind him then reach out while simultaneously tagging him. He shrieked a note that only the Vienna boys choir can hit while jumping then collapsing in fit of laughter.

LIKES ---

Mighty Boosh
Flight of the Conchords
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Boondock Saints

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

What's real in me?... I Dare, Hearing the wrong way, Looking the wrong way. Probably, pribbley, scribbly... my sentence is all wibbly. It makes my heart wet. Spoons, Penny whistle, violin, bodhran(bow-ron). Throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Pickles. Gabe who is 7 looks at me and says "I fell on my hands when I was 3 and I had the bruises for the rest of the 4 years".

Spaces In Between

12/19/19

I didn't quit, I just stopped and then I started to live

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Failing Ethics