When there is a paragraph break and not a shift return it denotes a separate thought. I'll find a better way soon but for now because I have been away for days I just need to get it down.
My concept of linear life and life in general has shifted heavily, Is it age? Is it society and the internet changing our habits and consumption? living. Not connected. The words that keep coming to mind have been listless and doldrums. It's not quite a crushing weight. Stuff slowly piles up. Errands, things needing attending to or attention. If you have a hard week or a bad day sometimes it adds just enough weight to keep you down. Only it isn't really weight. It feels like weight but I think it's more fear than weight.
Fear to me is just the unknown. It is how I spell fear U N K N O W N. Not good or bad. Just a blinking light that says do some research and exercise patience. When you bounce something and it goes up and floats for a fraction of a millisecond of time before gravity starts pulling it back down. I feel like that the last two days. A sort of hanging slow motion. Also there has been a deep sort of longing. A long inhale before the stretch and sometimes it pinches like a charlie horse.
Nobody wants to be themselves anymore. Internet, social media, goddamn talent shows for assholes. Everybody wants to be somebody else. Nobody is happy just to look at themselves in the mirror, and see themselves. It means they don't have to be responsible either. It is truly amazing how far accountability changes you for the better if you can just actually do it.
I was thinking last night about how we all have 3 aspects of ourselves. Think of a coin. On one side is the current inner, unedited, deep down, no holds barred you. The other side is the ideal version of you. The you that you strive to be. The edge of the coin is the you that you present to the world. Every thought and action is a mix of these aspects of self.
If you feel the need to demand respect it means giving some of my own self respect. It means you don't respect yourself so in order to make you happy you ask me to respect you. If I give you pieces of my self respect that you can use to feel respected, it will only serve to hurt you and us because it's hollow this way. It will never satisfy that deep need for self respect or respect in general. Only the self can do that. I can respect you without having to respect your own personal issues and insecurities. I think somewhere in our society respect has been twisted to the point that the people demanding it don't understand that what they really want is to be obeyed. That is what demanding respect does. If you demand it then it isn't respect at all. It is everything but respect. When and why did the word respect slowly come to be empty validation.
Also no one wants to see the pain they caused. Our society doesn't want to deal with emotions. We hurt someone, and when they show that they are hurt we go in to automatic defense mode. We start focusing on their reaction and not what we did to cause it. Don't ask what's wrong just for you to figure out if your at fault. Do it because you genuinely care.
You know exactly what I mean too. When someone posts some elusive status update that they are upset, people start to ask why? Only most often it is to make sure it isn't them that caused the pain. Only it's not about you actually being in pain, just that it isn't their fault. People ask why more often now as a defense mechanism than as an actual query in to your emotional state in order to help you and listen. Most only listen long enough to find out if it is because of them or not. Ready to defend why they made whatever choice they did. Just like we don't get married because we want to have a continual fight. We get married for understanding and compassion. Self serving care is bullshit when done like this.
All of the above led me to think about epigentics. It is the study of how our genetics can be controlled by factors other than our DNA sequence, which means information from one generation can be transmitted to the next generation and alter certain traits without affecting their genetic material. The video below will explain how scientists have figured this out.
"It's possible for offspring to inherit a trait that their parents learned through experience. It turns out that instilling fear in the father mice did trigger genetic changes, bot not in the DNA code itself. Rather, it changed the way instructions in the genetic code were translated and carried out by the body.
In every living cell, there's a genetic code, and according to the information it holds, certain proteins are produced to carry out vital processes. Chemical switches called epigenetic tags are attached to the DNA, and can turn genes on or off, or crank them up or down, so the cells know which proteins to produce and in what quantities.These switches are epigenetic tags are called that for a reason - they can be altered by factors other than the genetic code. So in the case of the rats, the fathers' bad experience with the fruity smell caused the epigentic tags related to neuron growth in the nose and brain to kick into overdrive, and this was passed on to their offspring, and their offspring's offspring." -Minute Earth
This has made me think about the emotional state of our DNA at the time of conception when having children. A sort of emotional blueprint if you will of our emotional life passed on to the child at the time of conception. My two older children are very quiet compared to my last. I think about the overall emotional state of my life when I got pregnant with each of them and to me it seems to make sense. I would venture to guess that epigentics plays a bigger role than our DNA. There are so many examples of it out there. I read that the heart stores more information and memory than the brain does. Then I begin to wonder if the brain is more geared and set up to our DNA while our heart holds more of the epigenetics. The emotional past of our older generations. How does this affect the subconscious current of society? How much of this plays into the emotional state of the nation? The lack of empathy? Confidence? Fears?
Think about the generation that had successful men leaving their entire families behind to go get a trophy wife or to just be rid of the burden and stress of having a family. The generation of single mothers. It has an affect and effect in more ways than one. To some degree it's almost like the past ideas on what a family unit is and how it behaves has been altered and I don't think it's just from ignorance or laziness or lack of accountability, although those factor in also. I think it changed epigentically. It's the thing that makes the most sense when viewing a world and people that more often than not don't make much sense to me. Food for thought.
This has made me think about the emotional state of our DNA at the time of conception when having children. A sort of emotional blueprint if you will of our emotional life passed on to the child at the time of conception. My two older children are very quiet compared to my last. I think about the overall emotional state of my life when I got pregnant with each of them and to me it seems to make sense. I would venture to guess that epigentics plays a bigger role than our DNA. There are so many examples of it out there. I read that the heart stores more information and memory than the brain does. Then I begin to wonder if the brain is more geared and set up to our DNA while our heart holds more of the epigenetics. The emotional past of our older generations. How does this affect the subconscious current of society? How much of this plays into the emotional state of the nation? The lack of empathy? Confidence? Fears?
Think about the generation that had successful men leaving their entire families behind to go get a trophy wife or to just be rid of the burden and stress of having a family. The generation of single mothers. It has an affect and effect in more ways than one. To some degree it's almost like the past ideas on what a family unit is and how it behaves has been altered and I don't think it's just from ignorance or laziness or lack of accountability, although those factor in also. I think it changed epigentically. It's the thing that makes the most sense when viewing a world and people that more often than not don't make much sense to me. Food for thought.
I find I don't like driving at night. I know I didn't get shorter. I don't remember having such a hard time driving at night. LED headlights are so bright and I'm short. Looking at the white line does jack shit when they are as bright as they are. I find myself more often than not driving back roads just to avoid other cars headlights. I need a taller car. This is a downside to be short but it balances out in the way that all bathtubs to me are spacious.
The Holiday break was hard and chaotic. I'm very tired of burying people. It's always the best people it seems that die first. Maybe it just feels that way. My sister came down to spend Thanksgiving with us and his family came down for the funeral. I arrived Friday night. Everything went very smoothly if not a bit hurried at times because of all the things needing done. I often feel awkward. All of the time really. I'm never sure quite how I want to engage with people. I haven't found a way yet that doesn't cause a little snap back at times.
Bay Minette is just sort of a nowhere kind of place. It used to be more booming but industry is dying. It is insanely quiet at night though which I love.
I have learned that I get antsy after a couple days away from things I find comfortable. Never fully able to let my guard down. Even at my own parents house. So much of me right now wishes I was just on a boat or an island. Somewhere far away from people. It's overload sometimes being around others who have no sense of self.
I'm just going to chuck it up to a strange week with a lot of emotions. I hated being away and not being able to type. I did my best to stay off my phone but that is kind of hard when I'm using notepad to write on the fly, in the heat of the moments. I don't like being teased about being on it all the time. It is essentially my computer most times.
I can't handle criticism today. I don't want to hear about my faults. I get that plenty. I just would like a day where I'm not being judged, poked, prodded, or told how to act. I would like to breathe easy. To not worry about which word or action will be misunderstood and bite me in the ass. To not worry about who is going to exert their will over my own. There are days that just feel like I can't quite pull it together and sometimes I'm just not gentle enough with myself. I'm totally blaming it all on the phases of the moon.
No, I'm not that stupid. I know the balance. I know the work I must do. I know that I need to find my center today but quite frankly I'm just too fucking tired at the moment.
Bay Minette is just sort of a nowhere kind of place. It used to be more booming but industry is dying. It is insanely quiet at night though which I love.
I have learned that I get antsy after a couple days away from things I find comfortable. Never fully able to let my guard down. Even at my own parents house. So much of me right now wishes I was just on a boat or an island. Somewhere far away from people. It's overload sometimes being around others who have no sense of self.
I'm just going to chuck it up to a strange week with a lot of emotions. I hated being away and not being able to type. I did my best to stay off my phone but that is kind of hard when I'm using notepad to write on the fly, in the heat of the moments. I don't like being teased about being on it all the time. It is essentially my computer most times.
I can't handle criticism today. I don't want to hear about my faults. I get that plenty. I just would like a day where I'm not being judged, poked, prodded, or told how to act. I would like to breathe easy. To not worry about which word or action will be misunderstood and bite me in the ass. To not worry about who is going to exert their will over my own. There are days that just feel like I can't quite pull it together and sometimes I'm just not gentle enough with myself. I'm totally blaming it all on the phases of the moon.
No, I'm not that stupid. I know the balance. I know the work I must do. I know that I need to find my center today but quite frankly I'm just too fucking tired at the moment.
- I Need Never Get Old - Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats
- Save Your Scissors - City and Colour
- Stone - James Young
- Tiny Desk Concert - Tash Sultana
- Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons
- Sucker For Pain
- Pretty Little Thing - Fink
- Looking Too Closely - Fink
- Corpse Grindin Man - Harley Poe
- Hold Me - St. Lola In The Fields
- The Hearse Song - Harley Poe
- Reggae Shark
- Wonderful Unknown - Ingrid Michaelson
- Skinny Love - Bon Iver
- Unstoppable - Sia
- Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
- Voices In My Head - Nerd Out
- Children of Privilege - Joe Purdy
- What's Up - 4 Non Blondes
LIKES
- Taking Walks
- Eggs
- Avacados
- Wine
- Bare Feet
- Morbid things
- Sarcasm
- Wit
- Sound of snapping and clapping
- Midnight Hours
- Presence
- Having my hair brushed
- Open Arms
Random Thoughts:
Confidence... Flamingos... Funeral vs. Wake... Pulverize. Doldrums... The number 8... King... Dorothy Parker... Cabbage Patch Feet... Highways... Supply... Supple... Healthy... Habits... Longing... Aching... Tender... Whack-a-mole... Do you have a flag?...
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