I went to the lighting of the trees last night. I love when the lights go on for the winter. It makes the town feel so quaint. Fairhope has a sort of Brigadoon feel to it at times. I walked all over, just observing people and taking a few pictures. Watching kids run at lighting speeds playing it tag. I witnessed a ton of kids falling over and parents tiredly pick them up. I noticed that most often people group up. Not a ton of singular people standing around on their own. As the 'soapy snow' began to rain down I put in my headphones and turned up my music and just stood there. Transfixed in my reality. My solace. I found it all very enchanting.
Magic. I never want to lose my belief in it. I did once for a little while and quite frankly I don't like life without it. So I seek it out. I find it wherever I can. Whenever I can. I'm like a magic hunter. A connoisseur if you will. The more I observe it, the more it finds me. Or rather the more I make it. That's the kicker. We make our own magic.
I am a hopeless romantic. Romance for me is about moments of connection to feel something larger than myself. To witness the cosmos in and from the eyes of another. To be vulnerable, raw, wild, honest, open, books of discovery. Moments that make me feel deep and lush. Hypnotic. A whispered word, a brush of skin, shared desires, late nights, moon light, inside jokes, thoughtful words, laughter, fireworks, fireflies, campfires, rainy days in, pillow fights, pranks, trust, live music, cold beer, carnivals, confidence. I can go on and on and on.
There is magic for me in light. I think that's what calls the artists, the misfits, the others. The study of light. Artificial light and Natural light like Sunlight. Moonlight. Twilight.
Confidence. What is it? How do you build it? For me after breaking it down I found that confidence is truly about how much I believe my own opinions. Believe in myself. When I'm faced with something I don't know how I feel about I take time reading various perspectives. Associating through past feelings and placing myself in other's shoes to see what I truly believe about something. The more I do that on a thing to thing basis the more confidence I have in my own opinions. The more validated I feel by me and the more confident I feel.
On quiet days I observe the processing of the things that have grabbed or held my attention. From the emotional to the cerebral. Most of my random thoughts at the bottoms of past posts come from these ties. Lately it's been the word Indelible and words that start with ma.
There is a sort of listlessness every now and then weaving in and out of the background. Things seem 'off'. It can be frustrating and aggravating and then I remind myself that everything is always in a constant state of change and just because I may not understand it does not mean that it is bad. Is it 'off' because something actually is? Do things feel 'off' because of my own perceptions or because those perceptions are changing? A friend of mine described it thusly, "When you can't really explain why it's off. Just that you know it feels wrong. Slipping out of the periphery of why it's wrong. Like a shadow that is a wrong shape or light bending through a window. Enough to notice it's not correct but not enough to figure out why so you can correct it."
Right now I don't even feel like I'm even really here. Like nothing exists outside this room. Outside of my current awareness. Disconnected in some ways and more connected in others or like I'm changing outlets. I don't know how to really describe it but I know it's a by product of some of the pieces of feeling 'Off' and my own mind. As much as I play with my environment my mind plays with perception and sometimes that has very strange effects indeed. It is a truly amazing tool.
I don't honestly think it's me that is 'off'. I think it's something we don't yet fully understand that we are experiencing. We have bad habits of fearing things we don't understand. Approaching from a fear response instead of a open curiosity. What about age makes us believe anything is set in stone?
I’m just weepy today. On the verge of tears. Taxed maybe but it’s emotional not physical. I was told me a little while ago that for thanksgiving we are going to spend the entire day at my husbands mothers house. Instead of inviting her to my family. I gently remind him that Chrissy is coming. He said to invite them to his mothers and I said no way Chrissy will want to be away from the rest of the family on Thanksgiving day. So he thought about it and saw my please don't make me choose between my sisters and family and your mom.
We agree that we both don’t want her to be alone. The first holiday without her husband. It’s only been a few months. And with her mother currently dying literally it’s just her for the holidays now. And she’s in such a big empty house. She hasn’t had time to really grieve his loss because of her mothers condition. I wish I knew what she truly found relaxing and loving so I could be a better support to her. We get hung up often but there is always love. I bet she will just keep herself busy as a bee and soldier on. That’s her nature. She’s a strong woman. Just one I have a hard time connecting genuinely with because of my own issues. She loves me through it because that's who she is. A generous heart.
I have decided my warning label simply reads 'Bravery Required'. I am someone who lives with my heart wide open. I make plenty of mistakes along the way but I offer transparency in my awkward klutziness. I offer accountability for my actions. I offer responsibility for my perceptions. I offer timelessness. Once you are within my sphere I will always consider you as a friend. I will always make time when you need it as long as you are being genuine to yourself or I can see you need a bit of tenderness.
I enjoy non linear conversations. The way my mind jumps around these conversations feel the most natural to me. Conversations that span many topics or are woven in patches. A little here, a little there, move along, circle back, pulling from past things said, Like a sliding puzzle with no real solution. It's more about the act of solving it than the finished piece. Nothing with me is final.
I feel as though I have prattled on but right now it is needed for me. A discipline I am building. To hone my intents.
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