The minute he says this I have to immediately try to stop my eyes from rolling. I never like this statement. When I hear these words I immediately feel admonished. I know I have done something that makes him question whether I even care for him. This comes from respect in his view. "If you would do what I ask it would show you respect me. By not doing it you are saying I don't care about you at all". That's what I think he means anyway. What he actually says is "If you would just listen". The thing is though I do listen I just don't always come to the same conclusion or answer. How do I even begin to show that I do in fact listen, if my action or decision is not lining up with his? Because when it doesn't he feels like I am not listening and therefore as an extension it means I don't care.
I was at moms visiting on Friday. When I am there Gabe plays with Sophie. Apparently the night before she had gotten a little bottle of fingernail polish as a gift. This information comes in handy in just a second. After returning home and only after taking his shoes and socks off do I realize his toenails are painted. Now I know James does not want polish on his fingernails. I gave it a quick thought and figured since it was the weekend and he had socks and shoes on it's not a big issue. It will be off before Monday morning and moved to whatever needed my attention next.
A few days ago James seemed a little off. On the second day as we were in the car I asked if everything was ok. That he seemed stressed or tired or just distant. He simply said "The nail polish" which was followed immediately by "I have this one thing". I could feel my eyes starting to roll. They got in a mostly full rotation before I could grab my composure. I didn't take it as seriously as he did. I didn't understand how he could be that upset over nail polish. That's when respect jumped in to the conversation and when It stopped being about the nail polish and started being about me. As a woman anyway, that is what is feels like. That is what I hear. That he is insinuating that I don't listen and if I don't listen then I don't respect what he says and if I don't respect what he says then I don't care about his feelings at all. These have been hard waters to navigate in the past. This is where I feel it all comes down to emotional honesty and transparency in communication. To him it comes down to respect. For most men in fact, you spell love R E S P E C T. By the way that was originally written and performed by Otis Redding. A man.
So we have a discussion that leaves us both feeling rejected. Again. After we parted ways I moved it to the back of the line of my attention to sort of run in the background like elevator music. Just a subtle sound as I observed the processing of it. That night we spoke again and ended up in the same circle of what feels like attacking and defending. This happens a lot as our need for validation as humans overrides helpful communications sometimes.
I looked at him and said "I'm not trying to disrespect you. From now on I need you to let me know when something is nail polish offensive. A serious One Thing. Because quite frankly I am tired of you thinking I think so little of you. That way if I have any input, that would be the time for us to find a compromise we both feel is best."
I say that because I know me very well. I listen to what he says and to what he wants and weigh it against what I feel is important and sometimes I forgo what he wants when I feel I'm making the better emotional decision. I know I will continue to frustrate him indirectly because I am like that. I think we all do that though. We all ultimately lean on what we feel is best based on our own perceptions and experiences. I often require as much information as possible and as specific as possible. Now I have a phrase he can use to let me know it's truly a serious thing and not something I assume is more of a want stemming from imagined ideals.
Did it resolve our differences? Not really but it is a step in the right direction. I have learned no nail polish whatsoever on Gabe. I have learned to filter through patience and understanding. If I want someone to be understanding and compassionate with me then I must also be with them. You get what you give. I rationalize through logical emotions and he rationalizes through logic.
I know it's frustrating for the both of us. Inherent miscommunication for I have never been a man and he has never been a woman. Add on top of that, not only the biological differences in the way these two sexes process information, but also that each of us is a unique individual with our own experiences and mindprint if you will. And you are just beginning to see all the roadblocks to navigate when it comes to learning compassion and understanding.
In some ways our thought processes have become as automated as the technology we consume. We give very little aware thought to our subconscious reaction to words. We hear a word so often we think we understand what it means and sort of solidify that belief in to place. If I type out GOD you have a flood of images and feelings you associate with that word. All words are like this. Words as of late have been very flat. They have lost some of their dimentionality and robustness. We do the same thing with scientific theories and discoveries. Even as we discover new things and our understanding changes. We start to see where it's not quite lining up because we learned something new and yet we don't rethink the principle, check the math, etc. There is so much I feel that needs updated. Upgraded. It isn't that those ideas are now useless. They gave birth to all that is right now.
It is the reaction to words that makes me love them so much and why I feel it necessary to write and express in anyway I can. It is also this reaction to words that makes communicating so hard because so many are blindly dug in to their beliefs and have been taught to react instead of respond.
This was always a thing with my father. When he asked us a question he wanted us to think about it first before firing out an instant answer. That is how I was raised. James was raised on you answer right away. For me, if I answered dad without thinking he would get angry. If I wait to answer James he gets angry. Flipside is James would get yelled at for not responding right away and when I don't respond it subconsciously tells him I'm not being transparent. So who is right? Both and Neither. There is no real right and wrong, just understanding. Navigating other people can sometimes be an exercise in and of itself.
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