KLUTZY / AWKWARD moments also know as THAT TIME WHEN.....
- I got in the car and the door closed so fast I couldn't get my keys in fast enough and shut the strap in the door but the inside door handle was broken so I couldn't reopen the door and the key was too far away to get into the ignition to roll down the window to open the door from the outside and I had to eventually take the key off the ring to fix the situation when in hindsight just climbing over and getting out of the passenger door would have been easiest. Hindsight man hindsight.
- I finished pumping gas and my earphone cord was behind the latch as it shut and the gas tank has only the one way to open which is the button up by the front seat.
- Yesterday I went to test if the pasta was done but fumbled the noodle and burnt my lip in the process
HEART / MOOD moments also known as FINDING THE LOVE
Gabe has been telling me lately things like "You are the most beautiful mom I ever did see" and "You are the best mom I ever did have". Today he looked at me and said "I love to make you smile" and asked me where is his love so I searched my pockets. Nope wasn't there. Then I checked the couch. Not there either. Then I checked my heart and there it was! It is always there and it is eternal, endless, boundless, forever. Then we talked about being made of stardust and souls.
Izabel let me dry her hair today. I loved it. I like when people give me an opportunity to love them in a way that means something to me. I thanked her in the car and she said your welcome because she knows that was for me and not for her. She does not like showing or getting affection. She never has. She wouldn't let me kiss her until she was 7ish. We showed love by rubbing foreheads. She told me about how she doesn't like to reminisce and I laughed because she knows who her mother is and she tolerates it for me. She automatically understood what I meant when I said thank you because she pays such close attention. I love her humor and her character and her ability.
I've Got Your Back. Like forget all the bullshit explanations, beliefs, pre-programmed epic genetic associations to perceptions kind of shit. Here in the physical reality of life. Emotionally, human to human, one soul to the other, I've got you. I am a safe place to just let it go however you need to.. Whether it's through complaining, crying, laughter, or just gentle silence. In every second of time, I am a judge free zone. I create and hold witness to the space for you to release and to heal, however that looks to you. I've got your back. My heart see's your heart. Not just in appearance but in depth. Depth of it's dimensionality.
Quit trying to define how you want to see connection and grab the moments. You have to connect now. You are missing the exact moments your wanting because you keep trying to see them through a past perception. Just try to forget everything you think you know. What ideal emotion are you reaching for and when were the times you have truly felt it. When was the youngest time? And stop reacting in your head. Answering the questions from the same angle. Close your eyes. Take a breath and exhale and think rationally, objectively, about each question. What other angles are there? You are so used to calling up moments of neglect it’s like a virus on a computer. Camouflaged and running behind the scenes. An auto-pilot. It’s time to find where the happy emotions you have as comparison come from.
Gabe has been telling me lately things like "You are the most beautiful mom I ever did see" and "You are the best mom I ever did have". Today he looked at me and said "I love to make you smile" and asked me where is his love so I searched my pockets. Nope wasn't there. Then I checked the couch. Not there either. Then I checked my heart and there it was! It is always there and it is eternal, endless, boundless, forever. Then we talked about being made of stardust and souls.
Izabel let me dry her hair today. I loved it. I like when people give me an opportunity to love them in a way that means something to me. I thanked her in the car and she said your welcome because she knows that was for me and not for her. She does not like showing or getting affection. She never has. She wouldn't let me kiss her until she was 7ish. We showed love by rubbing foreheads. She told me about how she doesn't like to reminisce and I laughed because she knows who her mother is and she tolerates it for me. She automatically understood what I meant when I said thank you because she pays such close attention. I love her humor and her character and her ability.
I've Got Your Back. Like forget all the bullshit explanations, beliefs, pre-programmed epic genetic associations to perceptions kind of shit. Here in the physical reality of life. Emotionally, human to human, one soul to the other, I've got you. I am a safe place to just let it go however you need to.. Whether it's through complaining, crying, laughter, or just gentle silence. In every second of time, I am a judge free zone. I create and hold witness to the space for you to release and to heal, however that looks to you. I've got your back. My heart see's your heart. Not just in appearance but in depth. Depth of it's dimensionality.
Quit trying to define how you want to see connection and grab the moments. You have to connect now. You are missing the exact moments your wanting because you keep trying to see them through a past perception. Just try to forget everything you think you know. What ideal emotion are you reaching for and when were the times you have truly felt it. When was the youngest time? And stop reacting in your head. Answering the questions from the same angle. Close your eyes. Take a breath and exhale and think rationally, objectively, about each question. What other angles are there? You are so used to calling up moments of neglect it’s like a virus on a computer. Camouflaged and running behind the scenes. An auto-pilot. It’s time to find where the happy emotions you have as comparison come from.
MUSIC moments also knows as MY SOUNDTRACK
- Hypnosis - Damien Rice
- Bag of Weed - That Family Guy
- Edelweiss - The Sound of Music
- Need Never Get Old - Nathaniel Rateliff
- Shake - Nathaniel Rateliff
- Falling Water - Peter Oren
- Runaway Train - Soul Asylum and Kelly Murphy
- Bilingual (dirty mix) - Jose Nunez ft. Tiana
LAUGHS
- Seth McFarlane. The way his mind works makes me laugh. I would love to just be a part of his every day circle and observe him observing life. To see those moment when he notices something and finds the funny absurdity in it. I would love to see the "that's some funny shit" moment dawn on his face. The was his mind works is awesome. Family Guy is a go to when I need a laugh.How Stewie is the properly devilish. Peter being the embodiment of a northeastern upbringing. I love how Lois is a horndog. Someone who enjoys sex and connection and sort of always ready for a pounce. The opening and closing credits are so varied but spot on in their respective era's and styles. There are so many episodes I love the first one off the top of my head is The Multiverse one in season 8.
RANDOM LIKES
- Calliope's
- Cedar Chests
- The smell of Spruce and Pine trees
- Bare Feet
- The Wind. She is a temptress. Always willing to dance and caress. Revitalizing. The wind Resuscitates me to the present like almost nothing else can.
RANDOM FACT
- Train whistles were originally called Steam Trumpets
HOLY SHIT!
- As I am typing this out I take a minute to check Instagram and find Kelly Murphy singing Edelweiss and time stopped. I cried heartfelt, breath catching, pure love tears. Never have I felt more loved than that moment right there. One human to another. I have been left speechless, there are no words yet, I'm still swimming in it. So much love! So much You!
SNAPSHOTS
Random Thoughts
When we focus on our imagined hurts,
what we lack, perceived faults, we unknowingly teach others how to
abuse us with them because that is exactly what we are doing to
ourselves. Attention has a gravitational affect. It has taken me a
while to truly see this without judgement.
For a long time I have felt like two separate people. There is the one of me who engages with this reality and life in a linear sort of way. What is expected by society and ruled by the subconscious. Then there is the side of me that does not exists in time or this linear reality if you will. The dreamer, explorer, observer of all that is. They have been distinctly separate for many many years. In truth for most of my adult life if not all of it. I know the moment I separated. I know the moments that reinforced their separation. I know why it happened. Knowing all of that though was not enough to simply merge them back together.
Many times I would ask the universe “What must I do?” and every time it answered “Focus on your family”. In all honesty I found that answer annoying. Annoying enough to keep discarding it as though it was the wrong. Pfftttt..... I would think. Yeah yeah I know but there is no joy there. Every time I turn to invest I keep finding more pain. I simply did not want to because I was so much more comfortable outside of myself.
Slowly I began working through my issues. My beliefs. Myself. Checking all the corners. Checking in and paying attention. Setting better intentions. I started to have a stable, loving view of myself. It was like I cleared out all the junk from the closets and nooks and cranny's. Brushed away the cobwebs and created a clean space and wouldn't you know it, within the last week the outside part of me is starting to fill those spaces. I am beginning to merge back together. Back to a whole instead of halves.
In doing that I am also seeing the value of investing in so many things I used to find dull. I used to ask “How come they don't have faith in themselves?” It donned on me it was because I was not mirroring it to them. They did not see it in me and therefore could not see it in themselves. I have been in that position. Unable to see my own self worth and while yes I have always held all the answers I did not know how to see them until I admired them in other people. So in some areas I have moved away from needing to encourage myself and now I reflect love back. We are all be mirrors, I just know how to position the mirror to offer the best light and love I can in your own reflections when viewing me.
All of which has allowed me to understand what I was missing in focusing on my family. Truly embracing the unity that was created as I unite my two halves.
Life is like Laundry
For a long time I have felt like two separate people. There is the one of me who engages with this reality and life in a linear sort of way. What is expected by society and ruled by the subconscious. Then there is the side of me that does not exists in time or this linear reality if you will. The dreamer, explorer, observer of all that is. They have been distinctly separate for many many years. In truth for most of my adult life if not all of it. I know the moment I separated. I know the moments that reinforced their separation. I know why it happened. Knowing all of that though was not enough to simply merge them back together.
Many times I would ask the universe “What must I do?” and every time it answered “Focus on your family”. In all honesty I found that answer annoying. Annoying enough to keep discarding it as though it was the wrong. Pfftttt..... I would think. Yeah yeah I know but there is no joy there. Every time I turn to invest I keep finding more pain. I simply did not want to because I was so much more comfortable outside of myself.
Slowly I began working through my issues. My beliefs. Myself. Checking all the corners. Checking in and paying attention. Setting better intentions. I started to have a stable, loving view of myself. It was like I cleared out all the junk from the closets and nooks and cranny's. Brushed away the cobwebs and created a clean space and wouldn't you know it, within the last week the outside part of me is starting to fill those spaces. I am beginning to merge back together. Back to a whole instead of halves.
In doing that I am also seeing the value of investing in so many things I used to find dull. I used to ask “How come they don't have faith in themselves?” It donned on me it was because I was not mirroring it to them. They did not see it in me and therefore could not see it in themselves. I have been in that position. Unable to see my own self worth and while yes I have always held all the answers I did not know how to see them until I admired them in other people. So in some areas I have moved away from needing to encourage myself and now I reflect love back. We are all be mirrors, I just know how to position the mirror to offer the best light and love I can in your own reflections when viewing me.
All of which has allowed me to understand what I was missing in focusing on my family. Truly embracing the unity that was created as I unite my two halves.
Life is like Laundry
We start off all fresh and new. Clean
and crisp. Over time we accumulate dirt, we get a little saggy and
eventually get put in the wash where we are tumbled around, rubbed,
scrubbed and eventually rinsed. We thin in the most used places
sometimes creating tattered spots that need patching.
Everything is a cycle.
When we behave in ways that are not in line with the true nature of who we are we start to get tarted up a bit. At first maybe it's just a little dirt. Maybe it's being splashed with slightly stagnant water from a puddle on the side of the road that someone drives through, haphazardly baptizing you in yuck.
When we behave in ways that are not in line with the true nature of who we are we start to get tarted up a bit. At first maybe it's just a little dirt. Maybe it's being splashed with slightly stagnant water from a puddle on the side of the road that someone drives through, haphazardly baptizing you in yuck.
As a metaphor I am probably the
underwear of some off the grid adventure seeker.
Austria....heritage....mountains....views....vistas....wide open....soul unconfined....breathtaking...awe inspiring...grab you by the seat of your pants...Holy Fuck....FUCK YES!....serendipity....super nova....LOVE...showered....baptized...reborn...cresting inhale...eternity
OH ME, OH LIFE!
OH ME, OH LIFE!
I love you. <3 and see you... xo!
ReplyDeleteI love you! xoxo
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