Ta-Fucking-Da!

So here I am again. The last time I really kept up with a blog was over 20 years ago and oddly enough I still have the html files. Once every few years I open them up and read through a few of the entries and in truth I am glad I have them. Some major shit went on in my life back then.

My life has shifted drastically, recently. All that pushing and defiance and tenacity is paying off for me in big ways. At least they feel big to me.

Freeing even. Not that I wasn't soaring before but this feels more maintained. Instead of flying on the wind I am the wind. Instead of seeing magic I am magic. You catch the drift. I'm the shiznit.

Seriously though I am doing this at the behest of someone I hold in very high regard. She is not the first to mention I should do it but from her it means the most. Who am I kidding, this shit is cathartic. I love to talk and I love to type. Even while sitting here I am getting totally lost in the rhythm of the key strokes. It's like playing the piano. I type 95 words a minute. It's fun. Not only for my fingers but for my ears. I even make sure to buy a clicky keyboard because I just enjoy the sound so damned much.

So this time around there is no theme. No intent. No purpose aside from having a place to really just say what I want without editing it. To bitch for 18 paragraphs if I feel like it or to simply write two words.  To post pictures. To build a compendium of the inner workings of my mind. Which I'm sure at least one of my children will like at some point.

Truth be told I could totally use this to write down stuff I keep forgetting that I don't mean to. Like needing to get 3 decent sized notebooks. One for each child and fill it with all the memories and thoughts I have about them individually before they are digested by time or circumstance.

So yeah, no rhyme, no reason. All of the things said and unsaid. Especially the unsaid things. I fascinated with what's not said. With the kerning of life. The space between everything else.

My closet of inappropriateness
My shelter of quirky adorkableness
My garden of laughter
My everything and Nothing and all that crazy magic in the middle.

There are no seat belts so just be sure to hold on tight and given enough time I'm sure I will probably offend you and I'm ok with that. Because quite frankly this isn't about you. It's about me.

And electric goosebumps because those rock.... I am electric in so many more ways than one.

I have been doing a lot of observing. This is new to me. I am often thinking, over thinking in fact and just recently I have leaned in to observing rather than thinking.

I have often wondered why my inside and outside don't match up. There is a disconnect to how others see me and how I see myself. I have been working studiously on understanding where the break is and last night it hit me like a piano falling from a building.

The disconnect is me and the way I manage my pain and how I process in general.. I wondered about why I have a need to show the pain I experience. So often we are told to suck it up, deal with it, etc. To show it is weakness. I have a strong stigma attached to it and why I hide it. For me it's in an effort not to burden others with it. By hiding it away though I am actually hurting myself more by not allowing others to love me through it.

I always had a need to be as normal as other people. Not limited. Not unable to do what most others can. I am very competitive even with myself. I like to push myself. To challenge myself. To not put it out in the open was a challenge to appear normal. Yes I did not want to be judged for it. I did not want to be thought of as less or a hassle to be around. Annoy others with my limitations. How ridiculous I was.

My physical pain has periods of constancy. I do not allow it to have center stage. I play mental games with myself. I think about what is pain really? Receptors and messages delivered to the brain to make sense of it. If I think about it logically and being able to see the science behind it allows me to manipulate my perception of it and lessen the actual physical pain.

For me I find more peace and joy in living wide open. Putting it all out on the table. Not hiding the cards. I gladly show my hand. Making the videos and writing about personal things is one of the ways I do that. It's been a long process of feeling my way through it. I never want or intend to hurt others in my journey and all too often I made concessions without anyone asking me too. I did what I thought others wanted.

I silence the voices that tell me I am being lazy or vain or attention seeking. Those are never my points in showing what I show. I want to show what it is to be a human. It's messy and nuanced and complicated and simple. It's beauty in it's joy and sorrows. It's trials and tribulations.

From now on I vow to be wide open. To show my humanness. My mistakes. My accomplishments. My tears. My laughter. My perspectives and perceptions. To be a case study of accountability and humility. The freedom that comes from it. Put me under a microscope. Insult me. Believe whatever you choose. It will not change me. It will not shame me. I will remain the open, caring, human who's goal in life is to spread love. This is who I am. This is where I feel the most united. Connected.

To compliment the beauty of life.

We are all compliments of it. Living verbs.

Innerstanding