Spaces In Between: 2019

12/19/19

I didn't quit, I just stopped and then I started to live

I was married for 9 years. The first two were not flawless. There were red flags I failed to check. Important ones. I was raised to be empathetic, considerate, and giving. All great qualities except when you lack self worth. I made a lot of assumptions in those first two years. I assumed that people will treat you as you treat them. I assumed that when someone tells you they love you it means they trust you. I assumed that there are always growing paints and periods of adjustments as you learn to communicate and navigate married life together.

2 years in we had a baby.
6 years in we tried to hit the reset button.
8 years is all I could last.
The 9th year was spent completely separated.

I can talk for hours about all the things that went wrong and why. I can give detailed accounts on both sides of our failures but this isn't that story. I take time to mention it here as I know some of it will creep in from time to time in future writes. This story is about buried treasures

A couple of months ago I decided to face one of my biggest fears... myself. I knew I had compartmentalized myself and my emotions. I did not know what I would find once I went looking. I was certain it would not be good.

Do you know what I found?... Laughter. Can't breathe, drool on yourself, side splitting, laughter. I thought I would spend hours crying and I did cry, just not in the way I was expecting to. And, as I realized that thought exactly, then I cried. I cried because what I found buried deep down inside of me was laughter. I buried laughter. I thought for sure there would be things so horrible I forgot them on purpose. But nope. In order to survive I felt I had to bury laughter. And that made me feel sad for young me and then so happy to have finally unburied it.

I have opened myself up to just be me and it feels so much healthier. In the past few months I have dug in to so many experiences and have met so many people and I have so many things to write about that I don't know where to begin.

RANDOM STORY ---

The first time we were out on open water together coincides with the first time I ever stole a boat. Albeit it was a peddle boat but a boat non the less. It was a water going vessel and therefore can't it technically be called a boat? I mean it even has the word boat in its name but I digress.

The hour was late, the moon bright, and the air was summer night warm like only late August can do. I think you were looking for any reason for me not to leave. You asked if I would like to take the peddle boat out and at first I declined but with a little (you say) encouraging, (and I say) challenging from you, we were under way. We were ever so quiet. I would like to say gracefully quiet but I think that might be stretching it. Regardless we were quiet enough not to rouse anyone.

We peddled out and then just sat, letting the current carry us while we allowed the moment to be exactly what it was. Two people sitting under the vast and open sky taking it all in. The hazy glow around the lights on the shore. The hush of the night and her blanket of stars. I sat there in awe of the immensity of life. That somehow here I was... sitting with you in the middle of the night and finally knowing the answer to "I wonder what he looks like draped in moonlight".

We did not stay out long. A half hour at most, but it was timeless to me. Those times where I am so in the present moment that it feels like everything exists just for me. Just for me to witness and experience it. It also made me think of peddle boat races and what it would cost to make that happen. Which falls in the same category that contains Body Bubble Balls and title of that category is Fun Shit To Try, which as an acronym is fstt, which is the sound of obvious agreement you make when someone asks "Do you want to try it?" to which the response is always "fsst...Of Course!"

We returned the vessel and conversated for a bit before I dragged myself away. And yes I know technically I should have used the word conversed in the previous sentence but I chose conversated just because I like some nonsense.

That excursion was the start of many adventures.

MY SOUNDTRACK ---

LAUGHS ---
Gabe likes to play "Gotcha Last". This game started one morning when trying to get Gabe in to the car to go to school. Opa decided to run up and tag him then run away saying "Gotcha Last!" A few time around the kitchen table and Gabe tags Opa and runs for the car. He jumps in as fast as he can and with frantic excitement "LOCK THE DOORS!"

So last night Gotcha Last starts quietly enough. Gabe is trying to lure me to his position in the front bedroom. I patiently wait pressed up against the hallway wall like a shadow. I hear his footsteps drawing near and as he turns the corner I lunge to tag him and he shrieks and laughs. I scared him good. The game is in mid swing when Gabe runs to the art room and shuts the door. The art room also has a door to the outside.

Opa tries to make it out one door and come around behind him but by the time he gets there Gabe is already out of the art room and roaming the house looking for opa.

The next time he runs for the art room I have opa keep him engaged on the door while I go around outside to come in behind him. I come in the side door quietly and creep up behind him then reach out while simultaneously tagging him. He shrieked a note that only the Vienna boys choir can hit while jumping then collapsing in fit of laughter.

LIKES ---

Mighty Boosh
Flight of the Conchords
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Boondock Saints

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

What's real in me?... I Dare, Hearing the wrong way, Looking the wrong way. Probably, pribbley, scribbly... my sentence is all wibbly. It makes my heart wet. Spoons, Penny whistle, violin, bodhran(bow-ron). Throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Pickles. Gabe who is 7 looks at me and says "I fell on my hands when I was 3 and I had the bruises for the rest of the 4 years".

10/15/19

Hostage Negotiations

I am tired of being a hostage. I understand that it is the repercussion of allowing myself be a hostage in the first place.That I allowed this treatment of me. That I taught everyone how to treat me by the way I treated myself. Typing that out makes me a little mad, to say the least. How did I allow it? In my over empathy. In my nature to be too agreeable. I am no door mat mind you. I was just raised with a different set of values than most. I did not realize this until the last few years. I had naturally assumed that everyone understands exactly what I do in the way that I do.

There were many of times where I should have put my foot down and firmly setting a boundary. Instead I swallowed myself down in an effort to show compassion. To extend the kindness and understanding that I would like if the situation was reversed. This unfortunately established the pattern that I would always be the pattern. That I am not valid enough to be anything but a placeholder that staves off unhappiness. In many ways I was an enabler to unhappiness. By not standing my ground I enabled the pattern to keep repeating.

I was taught that the one who sees the problem is the one responsible for fixing the problem.
And as much as that might make you cringe if you think about it, it's true. We forget that sometimes what is a problem to us is not a problem to others. Therefore if something is bothering you it is your responsibility to address it and be responsible for it. Not make it someone elses. What I mean is let us say that I am feeling like I am not enough and I express it to my other. Me expressing it does not suddenly make it their responsibility to fix it. They can listen, offer possible solutions, be empathetic, or try adjusting their own behavior. It is not up to me which thing they choose. You can also offer suggestions or ask for help but it does not make the other responsible for it. They will speak up when they are having a problem, rest assured.

woman - "I don't feel appreciated."
man - "You can go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich then bring it to me and I'll appreciate you."
woman - "Can you pay me a compliment that does not involve my body or my looks?"
man - "You make a damn good sandwich."
woman - "I'm serious. I'm feeling vulnerable."
man - "Hey, you're a good mom"
woman - "Thank you"
man - "Now how about that sandwich?" (This is where woman should now set her boundary based on what she needs to feel better. A negotiation)
woman - "The price for it is no nookie"
(This is where man now has a problem of his own)

This is where a man feels as though she is using sex as a weapon and where the woman is trying not to feel more used or unappreciated. And somewhere in that negotiation blame happens and the passing of responsibility because that is what we have been taught.

I wrote once that any thought the mind has that the heart believes is true becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. That is the power of belief. Belief is acceptance. When you accept what others say about you, you in turn believe it when you do not need to. And you don't have to have a reason to validate, or qualify why what they say is not true. You are simply allowed not to accept it. No bells and whistles. No rights or wrongs. It is just their opinion. Maybe sometimes their opinions are right. Own that shit. Take accountability and responsibility for what you know is true. Humility is the ability to be humble. To understand that you are human and you err as much as anyone else. We all make mistakes and bad decisions. Forgive yourself before allowing those insecurities to judge others.

THAT TIME WHEN.....

My 7yr old got in the car and asked me point blank "What's a cunt?" After I started breathing again I asked him where he saw or heard the word to which he replied "It was on a jacket in walmart." As an acronym I figured out after a few questions.
My daughter nailed me with this zinger: daughter - "You see those kids more than you see us" me - "Ow! You wound me. I will be crying myself to sleep tonight." daughter - "Well, at least we have that in common."
"Albert Einstein because he is smart as f***! Yeah Baby!"

FINDING THE LOVE

I love you wider than a smile
I'll hold you tight enough that you still feel like you can run away
Along came this person who saw more in me than I did of myself
Your smile melts my world like a lollipop left on the dashboard in the middle of summer
You are my time for myself
I miss your warmth
You are far from defeat in my arms

MY SOUNDTRACK

LAUGHS

Ow! My toe! Ow! That hurts! Geez it's cold
Most goodest and Leastest baddest
With real blueberries... pictured on the box
Double Nakedtive
I tondeled your foe
I chew, I chew, I chew
That's not a sneeze
That's the sound of me
eating my enemies
You aint right (in the head) and you're happy about it
Respondo, Ahora es massage chairo timeo
Liewish
Slaplapse
Banterbeast & Witty Bird
I am going to poot. I did it. Too late now.
God dammit! Look at it! That's a God damn king fisher!
*Billie playing a wooden flute*
Chase "This is my Jam"
Billie "Would you like to play the flute?"
Chase "No thanks, I'm trying to quit"

LIKES

Junebugs
Locusts
Breezes
Laughter
Riding Bikes
Climbing trees
Nighttime concerts in the park
Insubordination
Pillow Fights
Elbows

SNAPSHOTS

10/14/19

Mis-paced Jealousy

I had this big long post all typed out about where I have been the last year and what I have been going through. Just now I have decided to just delete it all. I separated from my marriage and now am in the middle of a divorce. It has been a huge learning experience. It has given me insight in to myself. It has run the gauntlet of emotions.

That is all I will say.