Spaces In Between

1/31/22

Failing Ethics

I have been off living vividly. I have used the last few years to really be present and continue to gather moments, ideas, feelings, and so much more.

THAT TIME WHEN.....

I got off the boat with car keys in hand (this is a key detail) and moved effortlessly from the bow to the finger pier. I walked confidently down the finger and turned onto the main pier and as I did so there was the 'ploop' sound of water being moved just right. It sounded just like it does when people do it with their cheek and tongue placement... you know the one... the water drip sound. Yeah that. That sound was the quietest loud sound in that moment.

Everything happened so fast. The turn, the fumble, the sound, and the immediate inquisitive "What was that sound?" And at that very moment I realized what had happened and for the splitiest split of seconds I so desperately wanted to pretend like I had no clue. Instead I looked up and said in the most sheepish of ways all drawled out "Your k e e e y y y s s s..."

There was a blur of movement and before I knew it he was naked and in the water diving to find them. Down he went and then up he came empty handed. With a much better wisdom of how and where to find them. Down he went again, this time emerging victorious. In the muck and the mire with the use of a barnacled pylon and speed he became the hero.

Up until this point I had always made sure to place keys in pockets that zip up. I was careless this day and as a direct result I know carry the keys by wearing them like a ring around my finger, grasping the keys in my hand and keeping that hand in my pocket when I have no zippered pockets available.

FINDING THE LOVE

(Side Note)
I had a fight the other night. Halfway through I decided to hit record on my phone and place it on a surface. I did this for a reason but not the one you are probably thinking. You see I pay attention to the feedback I am given. What people have said about me. If something comes up enough that I notice a pattern I start to really pay attention. I became aware of the fact that I may not always remember things exactly when I'm deep in my feelings. I feel first and I have been trying to learn how to respond rather than react to things that I am feeling. If I am angry though it gets much harder to do when I am feeling like a failure. So I set it to record and forgot. I knew future me would need to listen to it.

(Here are my initial thoughts I wrote down within 24 hours)

I gave it a listen. It hit me hard. I cried at my own ugly behavior. I did not behave in a way that made me proud. Was I the worst I could be? No. I did have some control but still far from where I want it to be. It was incredibly humbling. I felt a need to come type it out because honestly at this moment I feel so overwhelmed that I am not quite sure what to make of all of it yet.

It was ugly. I won't go in to great detail except to say that it escalated stupidly. Between his action and words, and mine, we sped forward like a train going down hill. He actually tried to calm the situation down a few times but I snapped with him muttering loud enough for me to hear about his opinions of women. That upset me, being in my emotions made me feel as though I could not let those comments slide, I was already feeling low and sensitive. If I had not allowed it to ruffle my feathers we would have just slept in separate beds and talked in the morning with cooler heads. But it breaks my heart when he mutters stuff like that because I hate to think he would think of me that way. It chips away at me a little bit and makes me sad to witness whatever resentment he has against me slowly change how he sees me.

(Here are my thoughts after another day of processing)

I realized that when I am feeling very emotional I am not listening well. I thought that I was in better control of myself. I did not realize my voice was loud or my tone was ugly. I must have minimized my actions in my mind. It has made me think that when any of us are reacting to emotions rather than responding we are not fully aware and unjudgmental. My perception was skewed by being emotional state. It was eye opening in how I perceive something while it is happening versus witnessing it from the 3rd person. It was humbling.

It was also healing. I cried as I listened. Here was a hard and ugly part of me that I had to be honest enough to face and humble enough to learn from. I never want to be indignant, arrogant, or selfish. I heard all of it in my tone and words. It showed me where I unknowingly contribute to some my patterned problems. Problems because I want to change them. I want to stop miscommunicating. I want all of my actions to match my words and vice versa.

I can say that I feel we were both in the wrong. Wrong determined by the fact that we actually care for one another a great deal and neither one of us ever intends to hurt the other. We both failed us. I do wonder what we both did that allowed us to get to that point. It's like that saying that sometimes we hurt the ones we love most. As always it's a thousand tiny little things that culminated in to what transpired.

I can sit and think on each but then I will fall in to over thinking everything. The best I can do off the bat is recognize my less than stellar behavior and take the actions I need to feel more proud of myself and step one was to apologize. Apologize without expecting anything. Apologize to him and to myself.

I was raised to know simply saying "I'm sorry" is a great base first step but then it should be followed with a why you are sorry. An I'm sorry simply because you feel as though you did something wrong or want to pacify the other person followed by "because I hurt you" isn't all there is. While it may be true it is lacking in real accountability.

"I'm sorry for hurting you by weaponizing my words and aiming them at your soft spots. I am sorry that I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me. I let myself and you down." is better. It claims ownership of my own ugly. It shows what actions I did that contributed to the hurt.

We are all human and I strive to give basic human respect. Humanity is how humane we treat each other. You can have opinions I don't agree with. You can behave in ways I don't like but that does not mean I feel you should be treated in anyway less. I want for you the same human respect I would like for myself. We all make mistakes. We all have our trials. All of us. I failed myself. I failed my own ethics.

I could simply feel bad and hate myself but that's not healthy for anyone. I use moments like these to learn how to be someone I can always be proud of. I want to live in line with my heart. We all know deep down in all of us there are ugly parts. Hard parts. I don't want to allow the feeling of shame to stop me from growing. In order to do that I have to learn how to forgive myself and love my ugly parts and hard parts and quite frankly if I can't then how would anyone else be able to.

For me I had to face an ugly part. I had to look at it and be honest. How would I have felt if it had been done to me? How would it make me feel? I would hate it. It would make me feel like I must be a truly horrible person. I then look at myself and say does that mean I'm a bad person or unlovable? When my children made mistakes did it make them bad people? Did it mean they didn't deserve love? No? Then why would I not show myself the same care I would for my children? Did I do wrong? Yes. Am I sincere in my apology to myself and said other person? Yes. Can I do better? Yes.

Dealing with my ugly this way allows me to forgive myself for not doing better when I know I am capable of better and not to disparage myself harshly because it would be crushing and I would be stuck. That means it is not a valid option. The more I face the hard and ugly parts the more I learn how to be kind to myself so that I can truly be a kinder person. Humane is the very least we should try to be to one another. If we want kindness then we have to show kindness, even to ourselves.

What have I learned?

It is better to respond rather than react. You can't control other people, only yourself and how you deal with yourself lays the foundation for how others will treat you. Time is a good equalizer. Allow some time to pass before committing to any strong opinions or perceptions.

MY SOUNDTRACK

LAUGHS

There have been some but I am not thinking straight enough to remember

RANDOM LIKES

mudbugs
umpty = indefinite number
Abscotchalater (ab-SKOCH-uh-late-er)
many a mickle makes a muckle
My eye went with me = I fell asleep

RANDOM FACT

Manatees lower themselves in water by passing gas

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

collapsing moments, definition of virtue = conformity to a standard of right., necessity is the mother of everything, I am just a random girl with gentle manners,

12/19/19

I didn't quit, I just stopped and then I started to live

I was married for 9 years. The first two were not flawless. There were red flags I failed to check. Important ones. I was raised to be empathetic, considerate, and giving. All great qualities except when you lack self worth. I made a lot of assumptions in those first two years. I assumed that people will treat you as you treat them. I assumed that when someone tells you they love you it means they trust you. I assumed that there are always growing paints and periods of adjustments as you learn to communicate and navigate married life together.

2 years in we had a baby.
6 years in we tried to hit the reset button.
8 years is all I could last.
The 9th year was spent completely separated.

I can talk for hours about all the things that went wrong and why. I can give detailed accounts on both sides of our failures but this isn't that story. I take time to mention it here as I know some of it will creep in from time to time in future writes. This story is about buried treasures

A couple of months ago I decided to face one of my biggest fears... myself. I knew I had compartmentalized myself and my emotions. I did not know what I would find once I went looking. I was certain it would not be good.

Do you know what I found?... Laughter. Can't breathe, drool on yourself, side splitting, laughter. I thought I would spend hours crying and I did cry, just not in the way I was expecting to. And, as I realized that thought exactly, then I cried. I cried because what I found buried deep down inside of me was laughter. I buried laughter. I thought for sure there would be things so horrible I forgot them on purpose. But nope. In order to survive I felt I had to bury laughter. And that made me feel sad for young me and then so happy to have finally unburied it.

I have opened myself up to just be me and it feels so much healthier. In the past few months I have dug in to so many experiences and have met so many people and I have so many things to write about that I don't know where to begin.

RANDOM STORY ---

The first time we were out on open water together coincides with the first time I ever stole a boat. Albeit it was a peddle boat but a boat non the less. It was a water going vessel and therefore can't it technically be called a boat? I mean it even has the word boat in its name but I digress.

The hour was late, the moon bright, and the air was summer night warm like only late August can do. I think you were looking for any reason for me not to leave. You asked if I would like to take the peddle boat out and at first I declined but with a little (you say) encouraging, (and I say) challenging from you, we were under way. We were ever so quiet. I would like to say gracefully quiet but I think that might be stretching it. Regardless we were quiet enough not to rouse anyone.

We peddled out and then just sat, letting the current carry us while we allowed the moment to be exactly what it was. Two people sitting under the vast and open sky taking it all in. The hazy glow around the lights on the shore. The hush of the night and her blanket of stars. I sat there in awe of the immensity of life. That somehow here I was... sitting with you in the middle of the night and finally knowing the answer to "I wonder what he looks like draped in moonlight".

We did not stay out long. A half hour at most, but it was timeless to me. Those times where I am so in the present moment that it feels like everything exists just for me. Just for me to witness and experience it. It also made me think of peddle boat races and what it would cost to make that happen. Which falls in the same category that contains Body Bubble Balls and title of that category is Fun Shit To Try, which as an acronym is fstt, which is the sound of obvious agreement you make when someone asks "Do you want to try it?" to which the response is always "fsst...Of Course!"

We returned the vessel and conversated for a bit before I dragged myself away. And yes I know technically I should have used the word conversed in the previous sentence but I chose conversated just because I like some nonsense.

That excursion was the start of many adventures.

MY SOUNDTRACK ---

LAUGHS ---
Gabe likes to play "Gotcha Last". This game started one morning when trying to get Gabe in to the car to go to school. Opa decided to run up and tag him then run away saying "Gotcha Last!" A few time around the kitchen table and Gabe tags Opa and runs for the car. He jumps in as fast as he can and with frantic excitement "LOCK THE DOORS!"

So last night Gotcha Last starts quietly enough. Gabe is trying to lure me to his position in the front bedroom. I patiently wait pressed up against the hallway wall like a shadow. I hear his footsteps drawing near and as he turns the corner I lunge to tag him and he shrieks and laughs. I scared him good. The game is in mid swing when Gabe runs to the art room and shuts the door. The art room also has a door to the outside.

Opa tries to make it out one door and come around behind him but by the time he gets there Gabe is already out of the art room and roaming the house looking for opa.

The next time he runs for the art room I have opa keep him engaged on the door while I go around outside to come in behind him. I come in the side door quietly and creep up behind him then reach out while simultaneously tagging him. He shrieked a note that only the Vienna boys choir can hit while jumping then collapsing in fit of laughter.

LIKES ---

Mighty Boosh
Flight of the Conchords
Lesbian Vampire Killers
Boondock Saints

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

What's real in me?... I Dare, Hearing the wrong way, Looking the wrong way. Probably, pribbley, scribbly... my sentence is all wibbly. It makes my heart wet. Spoons, Penny whistle, violin, bodhran(bow-ron). Throwing a hot dog down a hallway. Pickles. Gabe who is 7 looks at me and says "I fell on my hands when I was 3 and I had the bruises for the rest of the 4 years".

10/15/19

Hostage Negotiations

I am tired of being a hostage. I understand that it is the repercussion of allowing myself be a hostage in the first place.That I allowed this treatment of me. That I taught everyone how to treat me by the way I treated myself. Typing that out makes me a little mad, to say the least. How did I allow it? In my over empathy. In my nature to be too agreeable. I am no door mat mind you. I was just raised with a different set of values than most. I did not realize this until the last few years. I had naturally assumed that everyone understands exactly what I do in the way that I do.

There were many of times where I should have put my foot down and firmly setting a boundary. Instead I swallowed myself down in an effort to show compassion. To extend the kindness and understanding that I would like if the situation was reversed. This unfortunately established the pattern that I would always be the pattern. That I am not valid enough to be anything but a placeholder that staves off unhappiness. In many ways I was an enabler to unhappiness. By not standing my ground I enabled the pattern to keep repeating.

I was taught that the one who sees the problem is the one responsible for fixing the problem.
And as much as that might make you cringe if you think about it, it's true. We forget that sometimes what is a problem to us is not a problem to others. Therefore if something is bothering you it is your responsibility to address it and be responsible for it. Not make it someone elses. What I mean is let us say that I am feeling like I am not enough and I express it to my other. Me expressing it does not suddenly make it their responsibility to fix it. They can listen, offer possible solutions, be empathetic, or try adjusting their own behavior. It is not up to me which thing they choose. You can also offer suggestions or ask for help but it does not make the other responsible for it. They will speak up when they are having a problem, rest assured.

woman - "I don't feel appreciated."
man - "You can go in the kitchen and make me a sandwich then bring it to me and I'll appreciate you."
woman - "Can you pay me a compliment that does not involve my body or my looks?"
man - "You make a damn good sandwich."
woman - "I'm serious. I'm feeling vulnerable."
man - "Hey, you're a good mom"
woman - "Thank you"
man - "Now how about that sandwich?" (This is where woman should now set her boundary based on what she needs to feel better. A negotiation)
woman - "The price for it is no nookie"
(This is where man now has a problem of his own)

This is where a man feels as though she is using sex as a weapon and where the woman is trying not to feel more used or unappreciated. And somewhere in that negotiation blame happens and the passing of responsibility because that is what we have been taught.

I wrote once that any thought the mind has that the heart believes is true becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. That is the power of belief. Belief is acceptance. When you accept what others say about you, you in turn believe it when you do not need to. And you don't have to have a reason to validate, or qualify why what they say is not true. You are simply allowed not to accept it. No bells and whistles. No rights or wrongs. It is just their opinion. Maybe sometimes their opinions are right. Own that shit. Take accountability and responsibility for what you know is true. Humility is the ability to be humble. To understand that you are human and you err as much as anyone else. We all make mistakes and bad decisions. Forgive yourself before allowing those insecurities to judge others.

THAT TIME WHEN.....

My 7yr old got in the car and asked me point blank "What's a cunt?" After I started breathing again I asked him where he saw or heard the word to which he replied "It was on a jacket in walmart." As an acronym I figured out after a few questions.
My daughter nailed me with this zinger: daughter - "You see those kids more than you see us" me - "Ow! You wound me. I will be crying myself to sleep tonight." daughter - "Well, at least we have that in common."
"Albert Einstein because he is smart as f***! Yeah Baby!"

FINDING THE LOVE

I love you wider than a smile
I'll hold you tight enough that you still feel like you can run away
Along came this person who saw more in me than I did of myself
Your smile melts my world like a lollipop left on the dashboard in the middle of summer
You are my time for myself
I miss your warmth
You are far from defeat in my arms

MY SOUNDTRACK

LAUGHS

Ow! My toe! Ow! That hurts! Geez it's cold
Most goodest and Leastest baddest
With real blueberries... pictured on the box
Double Nakedtive
I tondeled your foe
I chew, I chew, I chew
That's not a sneeze
That's the sound of me
eating my enemies
You aint right (in the head) and you're happy about it
Respondo, Ahora es massage chairo timeo
Liewish
Slaplapse
Banterbeast & Witty Bird
I am going to poot. I did it. Too late now.
God dammit! Look at it! That's a God damn king fisher!
*Billie playing a wooden flute*
Chase "This is my Jam"
Billie "Would you like to play the flute?"
Chase "No thanks, I'm trying to quit"

LIKES

Junebugs
Locusts
Breezes
Laughter
Riding Bikes
Climbing trees
Nighttime concerts in the park
Insubordination
Pillow Fights
Elbows

SNAPSHOTS

10/14/19

Mis-paced Jealousy

I had this big long post all typed out about where I have been the last year and what I have been going through. Just now I have decided to just delete it all. I separated from my marriage and now am in the middle of a divorce. It has been a huge learning experience. It has given me insight in to myself. It has run the gauntlet of emotions.

That is all I will say.

MY SOUNDTRACK

9/8/18

So yeah what had happened was.....
I know it's been a while. A long while. I disappeared like I tend to because you know, juggling...
I will do my best with this post to summarize the gap with the points that are sticking out in my present. Now

THAT TIME WHEN.....

I was in a store with my daughter and we passed a gentleman speaking with his dog. He had the most lovely voice so me being me immediately stopped to compliment him. Know what I wanted to say was "You have such a lovely baritone quality to your voice. It would be perfect for reading audio books for others. But what came out of my mouth instead was "My God you have such a nice timber to your voice. I could listen to you read me bedtime stories every night". Yep I did that.. I created that awkward and Izzy just let me step right in it. He looked shocked (he was in his 70's at least) and I walked away wondering what in the world just came out of my mouth.
There was a field trip for Gabe's kindergarten class to go down to the beach and drag nets to see what kind of life is natural to this area. The trip was going well enough. As the kids are swarming to catch all the fish I am standing back some with other parents. The woman next to me has a baby papoosed on her chest. I mention how comfortable that must feel. To be carried around all cocooned. Then the inevitable happens and I keep talking...."You know that's what all these lonely mid life men should do. Hire themselves as a carrying service for women who need to cocoon." And without much hesitation she puts on the most 'you are total bat shit crazy' smile while literally side stepping away from me. I totally get it. I walked away from that conversation wondering WTF did I just say?

FINDING THE LOVE

Over the summer on a late spring/early summer day Gabe and I were outside on a mom and dads front porch just watching nature. He had a magnifying glass and was trying to really inspect all the insects out on their morning adventures. Needless to say they kept flying away and he would laugh and at one point exclaimed "Wait! Wait! Let me discover you..." as he was chasing them. It was unbelievably adorable.
Major revelations on my own behavior. Always working towards integrity, authenticity and genuineness.

MY SOUNDTRACK

LAUGHS
Gabe has been insistent on wanting a phone to text. I set up a number for him on the ipad and he has been texting me all morning. He is 6. We had some good laughs over this

LIKES

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.

Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.

Every choice you make " including the thoughts you think " has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts " which will take a lot of discipline " you'll get the right consequences.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling " and then get their way " you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

1/18/18

Gasms - desired anticipation

I love the feeling in desired anticipation.
For me it's through a sort of enchantment.
The feeling right before two lips touch in a kiss.
Seeing a friend when you needed them most.
Waiting to surprise someone.
The touch of someone else's hand on your skin.
The trail of ecstatic pleasure in a single fingertip.
The sort of breath stealing awe when standing on a mountain top
or suspended in an underwater world while scuba diving.
When you sing effortlessly and the notes vibrate throughout you.
Fireflies turning warm nights into magic gateways.

But also the way desire can feel all on its own.
Not desire to own, born of want but desire to feel.
Like just after a great stretch when your whole body exhales and says ahhhhh.
The joy felt in laughter.
The warmth in a hug.
Playful sarcasm.
Reunions.
Sunlight kissing the skin
(It happens. I know because those kisses leave behind freckles. I'm well kissed.)
Your bare feet on the earth.

Because truly the really good shit is so good.
Toe-curling, heart touchingly, deliciously good.
The aching, yearning, need satiated and becoming a pulsing, comforting, ecstatic calm.

Whatever you feel you get to choose.
I choose to experience as much soul in ever aspect of my life that I can.
From bluesy soul, Motwon soul, funky soul, swanky soul.
Soul with GRIT.
I like to feel to its greatest intensity.
With every atom of my body and being.
That, "I didn't just survive, I thrived" feeling.
I felt it all and I'm still here baby.
Soul is the constant running through everything in my life.
Soul is my transmutation container.

SOUNDTRACK

Random Thoughts:

On a scale of 25 strengths, my top strength is appreciating beauty and excellence. My second strongest trait is Curiosity. I am a heavily curious person. I love to 'what if' to see other possibilities or snippets of possibilities. I'm constantly changing my perspective and engaging in different ways on different levels. I not only do it logically and objectively but also 'feel' it and observe myself doing all those things.

Objective dreaming. A different kind of awareness. Lucid dreaming. Emotions have effects even when sleeping. The more I can objectively observe my life from outside myself the more it occurs when I'm dreaming. So it is literally turning into a world of its own in a way as I change it's environment thoughtfully. My dreams are a place where I get to 'feel' unhindered. Absolutely no judgment.