Me, Myself, and Who Am I?

I am the most introverted of the extroverts. Often quickly exhausted by engaging with my physical environment, but I am endlessly energized by quality conversation. Selectively Social. I'd rather be alone than around people I don't connect with. I am naturally drawn to the strange, abnormal, the uncouth, the provocative, and the unconventional. To engage in non-traditional relationship structures and to experiment with lifestyle choices that are outside the societal norm.

I spend my entire life attempting to piece together a comprehensive worldview, to understand as many different oddities as possible. Whether through novelty in my studies, my lifestyle or both, I am always on the hunt for new lenses through which to view the world. It is not enough to understand how a given issue applies to me but to also understand the global implication of the issue, or underlying theory that ties it all together. Rebellious for the sake of it. I analyze why a rule exists before deciding whether or not to follow it. If I perceive a rule to be outdated of ineffective, I have no problem casting it aside and doing things my way instead. I also readjust on a daily basis.

I enjoy drawing connections between pre-existing concepts, learning, questioning and extrapolating upon theory. I delight in finding a single concept that applies across a wide variety of scenarios, and regularly perform 'mental gymnastics' to try to fit a new concept into a series of different situations to see if it fits across a variety of scenarios.

I love to question what we know to be true by not by analyzing the facts at hand. Rather, how we perceive those facts. There is absolutely nothing we can be 100% sure of. I prefer to look at things from 'outside the box' and considering one thing from various different perspectives and maintain loyalty to no one perspective - rather, I am often delighted by the opportunity to throw what is known out the window and consider something from a completely unprecedented perspective.

I am highly analytical about emotions and morality. To uncover the greater universal truths that govern our emotions, and to develop framework for how humans ought to behave. Analytical in a subjective way, to use my perceptions about how various situations make me feel in order to generalize those experiences, relate to others and ultimately form a universal understanding for how emotions in general function.

I focus on the meaning behind my perceptions more so than the concrete reality of them. I am less interested in what is, and am more interested in what certain emotions, experience and intangible feelings represent. I pick up emotional energies and deliberate which truths they represent, while also being busy sorting through those perceptions and determining how they could be organized into moral rules or guidelines. 

My intuition leans heavily on feeling for meaning and focus. My mind moves at a frenetic pace, contributing to erratic sleeping patterns. You can even observe this relentlessness in my eyes, which are commonly darting broadly from one side to another, as though searching for something in their surroundings. What I am actually searching for, however, is more mental in nature, such as words, ideas, or possibilities. Always scanning for new possibilities, but also generating new ideas and associations. Enjoy sharing and exchanging ideas with others. Very open-minded when it comes to absorbing ideas from without. Just because I am permeable to new information does not mean I am quick to accept it as true. I ingest ideas over time, they gradually develop, even if somewhat passively, my own theories about the world and human nature. When these theories don't square with conventional thinking I grow increasingly skeptical and critical of majority viewpoints. I appreciate the different options and perspectives. I also enjoy it's attendant sense of adventure, expectancy, and wonderment toward life's mysteries.

My intuition is used primarily to govern the outer world of actions and spoken words. I try ideas out in practice, to explore new possibilities and discover, by experience, which ones work. I prefer to change procedures to see if any improvement can be made, rather than just operate them. I therefore take an evolutionary approach to development, with an eye on the strategy which can change. 

I strive for interpersonal peace, harmony, and understanding. This not only involves attending to what is said, but also how something is said.

I do not gather overt information but go beyond or look behind sensory data. To discern otherwise hidden patterns, possibilities, and potentials. 

Outwardly active, energetic, and playful. More concerned with ideas, connections, and possibilities than with material goods.

Reluctant to open up and commit. It can take years for a partner to navigate my bewildering depth and intensity, falsely believing that my enthusiasm and apparent openness means that I wear everything on my sleeves. The reality is that my spontaneity, the seeming inconsistency and erraticism the untrained eye sees, isn't a product of flightiness or lack of depth, but the opposite - it is a drive to express ideas about a mystical, all-encompassing energy, in the confines of a physical world, and underlying it all is the uniting principle of love, expressed in many different ways, but unshakable and infinite at its core.

I go to great lengths and am surprisingly persistent in my effort to get to know more reserved personalities. My ability to tune into others and speak their language with my characteristic infectious enthusiasm helps me in this endeavor, and the allure of mystery that reserved types, especially Introverted types, bring to the table keep me intrigued. I am sincere in my friendships and even my acquaintances. I recognize that not everyone expresses themselves in the same ways, and that's okay. I do appreciate, even cherish, the company of most anyone who appreciates mine, and the adventures and experiences we have together are the stuff a good life is made of.

Relationships are a joyous process of mutual exploration and imagination, a chance to connect with another soul. I take my relationships seriously. I have an uninhibited and unshakable devotion to the people to whom I have committed my heart. This covers all types of 'ships' including friendships

I allow other people to be who they truly are. I accept and value people as individuals, and I even hold the needs of the individual above the needs of the group. I believe that everyone has a right to be themselves, and I am very tolerant and accepting. I strongly dislike being controlled by others, and I do not control other people. 

One of my more recent writes:

Ships of all kind
I may not be the best friend
My presence is seasonal
I skinny dip in chaos time and time again
Coming out stronger. Sharper. 
Tempered by my own humility

I may not be the best friend
I forget to call and check in
Knowing you’ll find me when you need me
For my hearts radar is always pinging
With possibility of real connection

I may not be the best friend
Social cues go largely unnoticed
Preferring my sidewise reality
To the ingrained cattle calls of
Lemmings marching ever on

I may not be the best friend
For shallow waters and empty hearts
Hiding behind strangling walls
You feel are your protection
Keeping you in, and life out

I may not be the best friend
For my warning label does not read
Fragile! Handle with care. 
It simply declares in red bold letters
‘Bravery Required’

Self-Serving Care

Generally when writing this I try to keep things together and in linear sense. It takes effort for me to do that. Most often I try to keep paragraphs together.
When there is a paragraph break and not a shift return it denotes a separate thought. I'll find a better way soon but for now because I have been away for days I just need to get it down.

My concept of linear life and life in general has shifted heavily, Is it age? Is it society and the internet changing our habits and consumption? living. Not connected. The words that keep coming to mind have been listless and doldrums. It's not quite a crushing weight. Stuff slowly piles up. Errands, things needing attending to or attention. If you have a hard week or a bad day sometimes it adds just enough weight to keep you down. Only it isn't really weight. It feels like weight but I think it's more fear than weight.
Fear to me is just the unknown. It is how I spell fear U N K N O W N. Not good or bad. Just a blinking light that says do some research and exercise patience. When you bounce something and it goes up and floats for a fraction of a millisecond of time before gravity starts pulling it back down. I feel like that the last two days. A sort of hanging slow motion. Also there has been a deep sort of longing. A long inhale before the stretch and sometimes it pinches like a charlie horse. 
Nobody wants to be themselves anymore. Internet, social media, goddamn talent shows for assholes. Everybody wants to be somebody else. Nobody is happy just to look at themselves in the mirror, and see themselves. It means they don't have to be responsible either. It is truly amazing how far accountability changes you for the better if you can just actually do it.
I was thinking last night about how we all have 3 aspects of ourselves. Think of a coin. On one side is the current inner, unedited, deep down, no holds barred you. The other side is the ideal version of you. The you that you strive to be. The edge of the coin is the you that you present to the world. Every thought and action is a mix of these aspects of self. 

If you feel the need to demand respect it means giving some of my own self respect. It means you don't respect yourself so in order to make you happy you  ask me to respect you. If I give you pieces of my self respect that you can use to feel respected, it will only serve to hurt you and us because it's hollow this way. It will never satisfy that deep need for self respect or respect in general. Only the self can do that. I can respect you without having to respect your own personal issues and insecurities. I think somewhere in our society respect has been twisted to the point that the people demanding it don't understand that what they really want is to be obeyed. That is what demanding respect does. If you demand it then it isn't respect at all. It is everything but respect. When and why did the word respect slowly come to be empty validation. 
Also no one wants to see the pain they caused. Our society doesn't want to deal with emotions. We hurt someone, and when they show that they are hurt we go in to automatic defense mode. We start focusing on their reaction and not what we did to cause it. Don't ask what's wrong just for you to figure out if your at fault. Do it because you genuinely care.
You know exactly what I mean too. When someone posts some elusive status update that they are upset, people start to ask why? Only most often it is to make sure it isn't them that caused the pain. Only it's not about you actually being in pain, just that it isn't their fault. People ask why more often now as a defense mechanism than as an actual query in to your emotional state in order to help you and listen. Most only listen long enough to find out if it is because of them or not. Ready to defend why they made whatever choice they did. Just like we don't get married because we want to have a continual fight. We get married for understanding and compassion. Self serving care is bullshit when done like this.

All of the above led me to think about epigentics. It is the study of how our genetics can be controlled by factors other than our DNA sequence, which means information from one generation can be transmitted to the next generation and alter certain traits without affecting their genetic material. The video below will explain how scientists have figured this out.

"It's possible for offspring to inherit a trait that their parents learned through experience. It turns out that instilling fear in the father mice did trigger genetic changes, bot not in the DNA code itself. Rather, it changed the way instructions in the genetic code were translated and carried out by the body.

In every living cell, there's a genetic code, and according to the information it holds, certain proteins are produced to carry out vital processes. Chemical switches called epigenetic tags are attached to the DNA, and can turn genes on or off, or crank them up or down, so the cells know which proteins to produce and in what quantities.These switches are epigenetic tags are called that for a reason - they can be altered by factors other than the genetic code. So in the case of the rats, the fathers' bad experience with the fruity smell caused the epigentic tags related to neuron growth in the nose and brain to kick into overdrive, and this was passed on to their offspring, and their offspring's offspring." -Minute Earth
This has made me think about the emotional state of our DNA at the time of conception when having children. A sort of emotional blueprint if you will of our emotional life passed on to the child at the time of conception. My two older children are very quiet compared to my last. I think about the overall emotional state of my life when I got pregnant with each of them and to me it seems to make sense. I would venture to guess that epigentics plays a bigger role than our DNA. There are so many examples of it out there. I read that the heart stores more information and memory than the brain does. Then I begin to wonder if the brain is more geared and set up to our DNA while our heart holds more of the epigenetics. The emotional past of our older generations. How does this affect the subconscious current of society? How much of this plays into the emotional state of the nation? The lack of empathy? Confidence? Fears?
Think about the generation that had successful men leaving their entire families behind to go get a trophy wife or to just be rid of the burden and stress of having a family. The generation of single mothers. It has an affect and effect in more ways than one. To some degree it's almost like the past ideas on what a family unit is and how it behaves has been altered and I don't think it's just from ignorance or laziness or lack of accountability, although those factor in also. I think it changed epigentically. It's the thing that makes the most sense when viewing a world and people that more often than not don't make much sense to me. Food for thought.

I find I don't like driving at night. I know I didn't get shorter. I don't remember having such a hard time driving at night. LED headlights are so bright and I'm short. Looking at the white line does jack shit when they are as bright as they are. I find myself more often than not driving back roads just to avoid other cars headlights. I need a taller car. This is a downside to be short but it balances out in the way that all bathtubs to me are spacious. 

The Holiday break was hard and chaotic. I'm very tired of burying people. It's always the best people it seems that die first. Maybe it just feels that way. My sister came down to spend Thanksgiving with us and his family came down for the funeral. I arrived Friday night. Everything went very smoothly if not a bit hurried at times because of all the things needing done. I often feel awkward. All of the time really. I'm never sure quite how I want to engage with people. I haven't found a way yet that doesn't cause a little snap back at times.
Bay Minette is just sort of a nowhere kind of place. It used to be more booming but industry is dying. It is insanely quiet at night though which I love.
I have learned that I get antsy after a couple days away from things I find comfortable. Never fully able to let my guard down. Even at my own parents house. So much of me right now wishes I was just on a boat or an island. Somewhere far away from people. It's overload sometimes being around others who have no sense of self.
I'm just going to chuck it up to a strange week with a lot of emotions. I hated being away and not being able to type. I did my best to stay off my phone but that is kind of hard when I'm using notepad to write on the fly, in the heat of the moments. I don't like being teased about being on it all the time. It is essentially my computer most times.
I can't handle criticism today. I don't want to hear about my faults. I get that plenty. I just would like a day where I'm not being judged, poked, prodded, or told how to act. I would like to breathe easy. To not worry about which word or action will be misunderstood and bite me in the ass. To not worry about who is going to exert their will over my own. There are days that just feel like I can't quite pull it together and sometimes I'm just not gentle enough with myself. I'm totally blaming it all on the phases of the moon.
No, I'm not that stupid. I know the balance. I know the work I must do. I know that I need to find my center today but quite frankly I'm just too fucking tired at the moment. 

MY SOUNDTRACK

• I Need Never Get Old - Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats
• Save Your Scissors - City and Colour
• Stone - James Young
• Tiny Desk Concert - Tash Sultana
• Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons
• Sucker For Pain 
• Pretty Little Thing - Fink
• Looking Too Closely - Fink
• Corpse Grindin Man - Harley Poe
• Hold Me - St. Lola In The Fields
• The Hearse Song - Harley Poe
• Reggae Shark
• Wonderful Unknown - Ingrid Michaelson
• Skinny Love - Bon Iver
• Unstoppable - Sia
• Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears
• Voices In My Head - Nerd Out
• Children of Privilege - Joe Purdy
• What's Up - 4 Non Blondes

LIKES

• Taking Walks
• Eggs
• Avacados
• Wine
• Bare Feet
• Morbid things
• Sarcasm
• Wit
• Sound of snapping and clapping
• Midnight Hours
• Presence
• Having my hair brushed
• Open Arms

Random Thoughts:
Confidence... Flamingos... Funeral vs. Wake... Pulverize. Doldrums... The number 8... King... Dorothy Parker... Cabbage Patch Feet... Highways... Supply... Supple... Healthy... Habits... Longing... Aching... Tender... Whack-a-mole... Do you have a flag?... 

The worms crawl in

I love to write. For a very long time it was through poetry only. I liked it's rigid structure. The more rigid, the more of a challenge. I have been trying to write a simply and succinctly as possible while eliciting an actual emotion. I keep all of my writing over here for the simple black text on a white background. I also every now and then turn them in to their own kind of art. Different versions in different places can be found here (click the bottom right of the picture to see the full view). My Instagram is sort of a mish-mosh of photography and poetry and general goofiness.

One of the things I have been meaning to do is upload all my videos to my YouTube. I just haven't take the time to download every video posted. They are most often only about 5 minutes long but there are a lot of them. When I have two days off with no demands I may actually be able to get to this. Until then it just sort of sits in my mind waiting for it's turn at the forefront. 

I thought this holiday week would be relaxing and not hurried. It has already thrown some curves at me and keeping me much busier than I anticipated. Gabe's great grandmother passed away last night. She was a unique woman. She was used to being the center of attention. The last time I saw her and spoke to her she had said "I just can't seem to find the right way to die." I wonder what it's like. To be facing the entirety of your life and it's end for a new beginning. I am morbid by nature but I find talking to those facing their eventual end quite fascinating and a bit sad. So much knowledge that is about to be lost. Not even just personal but little nuanced things like who people are in old pictures. Passwords. Accounts. Most importantly to me are the memories. All of those memories she has taken with her. 

I am sitting here slightly putting off the start of the day. I am such a night person. Mornings I just sort of jump in to but it takes a little for me to catch up. I am taking the kids today over to my parents so we can all play some Spades and Hearts and just to have some laughs. That's what is intended at least. 

Every now and then my family likes to play games. Card games especially. Hearts and Spades are staples. My dad has this thing with spades. A rule he made up called 'dealer calls trump'. There are times we will let him institute that rule but not much anymore. My sister and I have always played by always overbidding the tricks available. We don't even bother to look at how many tricks we can actually get. We just bid so the total is always 14, that someone will always bite it. It's usually her and myself but we don't care. It is more fun for us to play that way.

I'm not sure how much I'll be around in the next few days. Between Thanksgiving and the Funeral all happening this week I do not expect to have as much time to write as I generally do. 

This is a little bit of a U-turn but I have seriously got to write a few letters to the school. For absences. Also Gabe has already lost his lunch box at school and his new jacket. Even though they have his name in them they don't seem to find their way back. He left his lunch box in the lunch room by accident but no one ever returned it. The same things to have happened with his jacket from the classroom. Who do I have a right to be annoyed with in this case?

That's all for now. I require a shower and some caffeine.  The Hearse Song - Harley Poe

Random Thoughts:
My blinker sound and speed of the light do not match... where in the world is Carmen Sandiego... penguins... 

Let’s count...
How many words
In how many ways
Must I let slip from my mouth
And continually say

I am here, look at me

Contextual Cues

Everything we say is a contextual clue to who we are. People give themselves away when they speak about anything. What you say, even as an observation is an insight in to who you are. Every single response. Any time you open your mouth and words come out you give clues, pieces, bits of information. 
People fascinated me almost for that very reason alone. I don't have to be a master at understanding body language though it helps add context. People say what they mean without realizing what it says about them. Another great indicator for me is the face. The face settles in to the expression it most often wears. The lips are a dead give away. Some faces rest with the corners of the mouth turned up and some with them turned down. It tells you two things, what kind of life they have had and how they have dealt with it emotionally.

"There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections." -Ziad K Abdelnou

If you always tell the truth then no one can blackmail you, extort you, threaten you, etc. I realize that by putting the idea or string of words outside in to the world in whatever fashion that I can be accountable for everyone of them if something were ever used against me. Integrity is a word that has popped up a lot. My father and I were speaking about truth and it's relation to privacy because nothing is truly private anymore really. It may not be visible for the entire world to see but guarantee someone other than you is or will see it. Which very much reminds me of the picture with the words that are said during the day appearing on the skin. And could you feel proud with the words that popped up on yours from what you've said today. None of us are "getting away" with anything.

I asked an aging ailing friend of mine what wisdom he would like to be impart if he had the opportunity. His response was "Don't bite the monster's tail. DO what pleases you and don't make waves." Then returned with an elaboration of that wisdom as follows "It has been 50 years since I first took a long critical look at the world and the behavior of the humans who created it. Over those years, I have invested a great deal of my energy and passion in trying to reverse the disturbing trends I perceived, with no positive effect. The bay and it's delta are still dying. The air is still being polluted, to the detriment of all who breathe. The earth's total population of multi-celled animal organisms has been diminished by over half: that's individuals, not species.I could go on with this litany of horrors; but my point is that, in spite of the efforts of Greenpeace and Cousteau and Rachel Carson and Caesar Chavez and the unnamed legions of Quixotic visionaries like my self; the armies of mammon continue to advance their mad rush toward apocalypse. I sincerely regret having squandered my time and resources on a lost cause. I should have "followed my bliss", as they say; and let the world go to hell without me. " -Draco DaGaia

I so often switch letters by accident in my minds hurried pace to spit it out. The other day I was trying to declare Knock My Socks Off! and It came out Sock my knocks off. Another example of misplacement would be instead of "Jump! I'll catch you" to "Catch! I'll jump you". This has gotten more frequent the older I get. Which makes me start to wonder of Quantum Cognition and how we use our brains actually rewires them. Also how language itself shapes the brain and the way it understands the world. Lot's of thoughts. Lot's of thoughts.

MY SOUNDTRACK

• The Show - Lenka
• Skinny Love - Bon Iver
• Saturn - Sleeping At Last
• Wonderful Unknown - Ingrid Michaelson
• Roll With The Punches - Lenka
• Wild Nights - Van Morrison
• Inner Ninja - Classified feat. David Myles
• The Girl -  Colour And The Girl
• Great Big Storm - Nate Ruess
• Island in the Sun - Weezer
• Alright - Supergrass
• Counting Stars - OneRepublic
• Thunder - Imagine Dragons

LIKES

• Dancers Among Us - outstanding photography of dancers in unconventional ways
• Yellow Curry
• Coloring
• Puzzles
• Abandoned Places
• White Chocolate
• Fruit Jellies from Germany

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts:
Twirly, swirly, whirly, soft as a willow wisp glides... clock time vs. biological time... Finger food holidays... Quantum Cognition... I don't know what that means... learning unlearning to unlearn learning... is there a difference between joy and happiness?

Errant Wanderings and Wonderings

Sometimes there is so much to do when you are doing nothing. I never realized how busy doing nothing could keep me. It's a different kind of doing.

I went to the lighting of the trees last night. I love when the lights go on for the winter. It makes the town feel so quaint. Fairhope has a sort of Brigadoon feel to it at times. I walked all over, just observing people and taking a few pictures. Watching kids run at lighting speeds playing it tag. I witnessed a ton of kids falling over and parents tiredly pick them up. I noticed that most often people group up. Not a ton of singular people standing around on their own. As the 'soapy snow' began to rain down I put in my headphones and turned up my music and just stood there. Transfixed in my reality. My solace. I found it all very enchanting.

Magic. I never want to lose my belief in it. I did once for a little while and quite frankly I don't like life without it. So I seek it out. I find it wherever I can. Whenever I can. I'm like a magic hunter. A connoisseur if you will. The more I observe it, the more it finds me. Or rather the more I make it. That's the kicker. We make our own magic.
I am a hopeless romantic. Romance for me is about moments of connection to feel something larger than myself. To witness the cosmos in and from the eyes of another. To be vulnerable, raw, wild, honest, open, books of discovery. Moments that make me feel deep and lush. Hypnotic. A whispered word, a brush of skin, shared desires, late nights, moon light, inside jokes, thoughtful words, laughter, fireworks, fireflies, campfires, rainy days in, pillow fights, pranks, trust, live music, cold beer, carnivals, confidence. I can go on and on and on.

There is magic for me in light. I think that's what calls the artists, the misfits, the others. The study of light. Artificial light and Natural light like Sunlight. Moonlight. Twilight. 

Confidence. What is it? How do you build it? For me after breaking it down I found that confidence is truly about how much I believe my own opinions. Believe in myself. When I'm faced with something I don't know how I feel about I take time reading various perspectives. Associating through past feelings and placing myself in other's shoes to see what I truly believe about something. The more I do that on a thing to thing basis the more confidence I have in my own opinions. The more validated I feel by me and the more confident I feel.

On quiet days I observe the processing of the things that have grabbed or held my attention. From the emotional to the cerebral. Most of my random thoughts at the bottoms of past posts come from these ties. Lately it's been the word Indelible and words that start with ma. 

There is a sort of listlessness every now and then weaving in and out of the background.  Things seem 'off'. It can be frustrating and aggravating and then I remind myself that everything is always in a constant state of change and just because I may not understand it does not mean that it is bad. Is it 'off' because something actually is? Do things feel 'off' because of my own perceptions or because those perceptions are changing? A friend of mine described it thusly, "When you can't really explain why it's off. Just that you know it feels wrong. Slipping out of the periphery of why it's wrong. Like a shadow that is a wrong shape or light bending through a window. Enough to notice it's not correct but not enough to figure out why so you can correct it."

Right now I don't even feel like I'm even really here. Like nothing exists outside this room. Outside of my current awareness. Disconnected in some ways and more connected in others or like I'm changing outlets. I don't know how to really describe it but I know it's a by product of some of the pieces of feeling 'Off' and my own mind. As much as I play with my environment my mind plays with perception and sometimes that has very strange effects indeed. It is a truly amazing tool.

I don't honestly think it's me that is 'off'. I think it's something we don't yet fully understand that we are experiencing. We have bad habits of fearing things we don't understand. Approaching from a fear response instead of a open curiosity. What about age makes us believe anything is set in stone?

I’m just weepy today. On the verge of tears. Taxed maybe but it’s emotional not physical. I was told me a little while ago that for thanksgiving we are going to spend the entire day at my husbands mothers house. Instead of inviting her to my family. I gently remind him that Chrissy is coming. He said to invite them to his mothers and I said no way Chrissy will want to be away from the rest of the family on Thanksgiving day. So he thought about it and saw my please don't make me choose between my sisters and family and your mom.

We agree that we both don’t want her to be alone. The first holiday without her husband. It’s only been a few months. And with her mother currently dying literally it’s just her for the holidays now. And she’s in such a big empty house. She hasn’t had time to really grieve his loss because of her mothers condition. I wish I knew what she truly found relaxing and loving so I could be a better support to her. We get hung up often but there is always love. I bet she will just keep herself busy as a bee and soldier on. That’s her nature. She’s a strong woman. Just one I have a hard time connecting genuinely with because of my own issues. She loves me through it because that's who she is. A generous heart.

I have decided my warning label simply reads 'Bravery Required'. I am someone who lives with my heart wide open. I make plenty of mistakes along the way but I offer transparency in my awkward klutziness. I offer accountability for my actions. I offer responsibility for my perceptions. I offer timelessness. Once you are within my sphere I will always consider you as a friend. I will always make time when you need it as long as you are being genuine to yourself or I can see you need a bit of tenderness.

I enjoy non linear conversations. The way my mind jumps around these conversations feel the most natural to me. Conversations that span many topics or are woven in patches. A little here, a little there, move along, circle back, pulling from past things said, Like a sliding puzzle with no real solution. It's more about the act of solving it than the finished piece. Nothing with me is final.

I feel as though I have prattled on but right now it is needed for me. A discipline I am building. To hone my intents.

Nail Polish Offensive

James and I have very different ideas and opinions on a large percentage of things. It requires a lot of understanding on my part and breath holding on his. Every now and then something will come up that makes me him say "I have this One Thing...'

The minute he says this I have to immediately try to stop my eyes from rolling. I never like this statement. When I hear these words I immediately feel admonished. I know I have done something that makes him question whether I even care for him. This comes from respect in his view. "If you would do what I ask it would show you respect me. By not doing it you are saying I don't care about you at all". That's what I think he means anyway. What he actually says is "If you would just listen". The thing is though I do listen I just don't always come to the same conclusion or answer. How do I even begin to show that I do in fact listen, if my action or decision is not lining up with his? Because when it doesn't he feels like I am not listening and therefore as an extension it means I don't care.

I was at moms visiting on Friday. When I am there Gabe plays with Sophie. Apparently the night before she had gotten a little bottle of fingernail polish as a gift. This information comes in handy in just a second. After returning home and only after taking his shoes and socks off do I realize his toenails are painted. Now I know James does not want polish on his fingernails. I gave it a quick thought and figured since it was the weekend and he had socks and shoes on it's not a big issue. It will be off before Monday morning and moved to whatever needed my attention next.

A few days ago James seemed a little off. On the second day as we were in the car I asked if everything was ok. That he seemed stressed or tired or just distant. He simply said "The nail polish" which was followed immediately by "I have this one thing". I could feel my eyes starting to roll. They got in a mostly full rotation before I could grab my composure. I didn't take it as seriously as he did. I didn't understand how he could be that upset over nail polish. That's when respect jumped in to the conversation and when It stopped being about the nail polish and started being about me. As a woman anyway, that is what is feels like. That is what I hear. That he is insinuating that I don't listen and if I don't listen then I don't respect what he says and if I don't respect what he says then I don't care about his feelings at all. These have been hard waters to navigate in the past. This is where I feel it all comes down to emotional honesty and transparency in communication. To him it comes down to respect. For most men in fact, you spell love R E S P E C T. By the way that was originally written and performed by Otis Redding. A man. 

So we have a discussion that leaves us both feeling rejected. Again. After we parted ways I moved it to the back of the line of my attention to sort of run in the background like elevator music. Just a subtle sound as I observed the processing of it. That night we spoke again and ended up in the same circle of what feels like attacking and defending. This happens a lot as our need for validation as humans overrides helpful communications sometimes.

I looked at him and said "I'm not trying to disrespect you. From now on I need you to let me know when something is nail polish offensive. A serious One Thing. Because quite frankly I am tired of you thinking I think so little of you. That way if I have any input, that would be the time for us to find a compromise we both feel is best."

I say that because I know me very well. I listen to what he says and to what he wants and weigh it against what I feel is important and sometimes I forgo what he wants when I feel I'm making the better emotional decision. I know I will continue to frustrate him indirectly because I am like that. I think we all do that though. We all ultimately lean on what we feel is best based on our own perceptions and experiences. I often require as much information as possible and as specific as possible. Now I have a phrase he can use to let me know it's truly a serious thing and not something I assume is more of a want stemming from imagined ideals.

Did it resolve our differences? Not really but it is a step in the right direction. I have learned no nail polish whatsoever on Gabe. I have learned to filter through patience and understanding. If I want someone to be understanding and compassionate with me then I must also be with them. You get what you give. I rationalize through logical emotions and he rationalizes through logic.

I know it's frustrating for the both of us. Inherent miscommunication for I have never been a man and he has never been a woman. Add on top of that, not only the biological differences in the way these two sexes process information, but also that each of us is a unique individual with our own experiences and mindprint if you will. And you are just beginning to see all the roadblocks to navigate when it comes to learning compassion and understanding. 

In some ways our thought processes have become as automated as the technology we consume. We give very little aware thought to our subconscious reaction to words. We hear a word so often we think we understand what it means and sort of solidify that belief in to place. If I type out GOD you have a flood of images and feelings you associate with that word. All words are like this. Words as of late have been very flat. They have lost some of their dimentionality and robustness. We do the same thing with scientific theories and discoveries. Even as we discover new things and our understanding changes. We start to see where it's not quite lining up because we learned something new and yet we don't rethink the principle, check the math, etc. There is so much I feel that needs updated. Upgraded. It isn't that those ideas are now useless. They gave birth to all that is right now.

It is the reaction to words that makes me love them so much and why I feel it necessary to write and express in anyway I can. It is also this reaction to words that makes communicating so hard because so many are blindly dug in to their beliefs and have been taught to react instead of respond.

This was always a thing with my father. When he asked us a question he wanted us to think about it first before firing out an instant answer. That is how I was raised. James was raised on you answer right away. For me, if I answered dad without thinking he would get angry. If I wait to answer James he gets angry. Flipside is James would get yelled at for not responding right away and when I don't respond it subconsciously tells him I'm not being transparent. So who is right?  Both and Neither. There is no real right and wrong, just understanding. Navigating other people can sometimes be an exercise in and of itself.