Defining Moments: The air feels flat and Happy New Year

So i'm having a conversation the other day and I hear the word flat and something clicked for me. Lately I have been noticing that the air 'feels' flat. I have spent the last week trying to find the right way to describe it and the word flat jumped out at me.

You know how when you are outside in nature that the air 'feels' alive. Oxygenated. Moving. Swirling. Life. It has depth. Well I've noticed that there these pockets of 'flatness' that are popping up. I most often feel it when I'm inside. In some rooms more than others.

When talking with my daughter she referenced it as soda that's lost all it's carbonation. There are no bubbles. No effervescence. Flat. And that comes really close to how I mean it but it was still lacking something. Then it occurred to me that it's like a Jubilee.

A jubilee is the name used locally for a natural phenomenon that occurs sporadically on the shores of Mobile Bay. During a jubilee many species of crab and shrimp, as well as flounder, eels, and other demersal fish will leave deeper waters and swarm - in large numbers and very high density - in a specific, shallower coastal area of the bay.

They happen when accumulated organic material on the bay floor could, under a certain set of conditions, result in a rapid depletion of oxygen in parts of the bay, driving fish to the surface seeking oxygenated water. 

Jubilees occur only in the summer. They usually occur in the early morning hours before sunrise. If wind direction (easterly), surface temperature, salinity, and tidal variation interact in ways that allow or promote a jubilee, the situation can develop rather quickly.

I was lucky enough to experience one of these one night when I was all night fishing at the  end of the pier. It is a very surreal experience. Usually as one happens word spreads fast if you know the right people. I have yet to catch another one but it's truly only a matter of time.

Pictures from The Jubilee Phenomenon NOAA Estuary Education website

This more accurately describes the flat air I feel. Like there is missing oxygen. It has settled like dust. I know that some of this is my reaction to things like not getting out as much in the winter as I do in the summer. I know some of it is because I miss sunsets during winter because they happen to early for me to make it to them. I just don't think that's all of it.

Some of it is other people's energy for lack of a better way to define it. I say this because it isn't with me all the time. Energy stays in motion. And let's face it, it runs through everything. What I am doing is noticing where or who is 'flat'. Whether through things outside of there or them or because of there or them. 

This makes sense to me. I am an ENFP / ENTP. It is almost a 50/50 split between the two on percentages. The only things that are constant and not a close split is my E (extroversion) and the N. I say that to say this. I champion and inspire. I like to fight for the under dog and I like to try and offer hope when people feel they have none. I do not like to watch people struggle with emotional issues and feel a sense of dullness when there is so much around to 'experience' and 'fee' without having to make yourself feel shitty.

I involve my whole self heart and soul into what I do even if it's just listening to your problems. I commit all that I am. But here's the thing. I did this to the point of self harm. For a long time I was an excellent martyr. I ignored that the dust kept coming back. The air kept going flat and I would fix it because I noticed it. Much like a helicoptering parent. Because I got my children's milk so often they couldn't lift the gallon. I was helping too much. I used to have a tendency to do that.

How appropriate that The realization of a jubilee happening occurred on the last day of the year as we say farewell and face the one to come. This year had some giant revelations in it. It was filled with may tears both happy and sad. It is the year I decided to truly heal my heart and like who I am as a person. 

I am currently sipping mimosas with my hair in pig tails because I will greet the new year the way I want it to be. Playful and a little bit silly. I know it won't disappoint. And now I'm off to make sausage biscuits because it seems fitting to go with mimosas. Happy New Year to each and every one of you! It couldn't get here soon enough.

Defining Moments: They are all going to laugh at you

I have always been a bit awkward and determined. Anything I do, I do it with full on gusto. I commit to it 100% created and backed by my determination. 

I was a very happy baby. My grandmother and mother always describe my disposition as "you never meet a stranger". I loved to be outside. One day mom had laid me in the playpen on the porch for a nap and sort of forgot about me for a time because I never made a sound after I woke up. I was in my element. I did not speak until I was 3 years old. My mother was growing increasingly worried and talked to her mother Kitty who told her "Don't worry. One day she will start talking and never stop." She hit the nail on the head with that one.

I remember being curious and happy until the age of 8. In 3rd grade Art we sat 6 to a table. My table was all girls and one boy. Eddie. We were friendly acquaintances. He had asked one of the girls at the table to ask me if I liked him and if I liked him too. I said yes. The moment the girl heard it she declared it loud enough for the table and all the other girls started teasing. Eddie turned red which made it worse and then said he was only joking. The girls turned their full attention on me. I did not like the feeling of embarrassment and rejection at all.

In hindsight I understand that he was reacting to his own feelings whatever they were. Logical 8 year old decision. But to another 8 year old who just got hit with HER own feelings it was the moment, the echo is the snap, that a different perspective of fear was birthed forth. After this anytime any one of my peers said something, I would ask If it was true? and How would it hurt me? 

In 6th grade we took a field trip to Washington D.C. It was a weekend trip. We lived very simply. Money was tight and managed well. My parents gave me a 6 pack of coke for the trip. This was a big deal. We weren't often allowed to have it. Almost never. I took three and left three with mom so she and my sisters could all have one of their own.

I sat on the bus with my very quiet friend. At the back of the bus was one of my other friends. Sitting with the most popular kids. All of the adults rode on the other bus with the other rest of the classes. During the trip the friend in the back comes forward and asks me to stand up. Which I did. She then proceeded to lift my skirt in front of the entire bus. Mortification is the word that gets the most far off close to describing how that felt. And wouldn't you know it? There are embarrassment and rejection again. I was also forgotten on this trip. Literally. At the tomb of the unknown soldier the teachers let me go to the bathroom and when I exited they were all gone. I asked the first adult I could where they had went. He explained how to get to the changing of the guard. I was not escorted. I was sent to walk it alone until I could find them.

Now on top of these big moments there are these smaller moments of reinforcement usually brought on by my awkwardness and extreme klutziness. I trip. Walk into objects and walls. Have coughing fits when it's supposed to be quiet. Stick my foot in my mouth. Get my shirt caught on the opposite door side knob. Shut hair, keys, and fingers in doors. Confess love to strangers. Laugh at all the wrong things and all the wrong times. The list goes on and on and on.

Grade school left me feeling embarrassed around peers. The high school was 7th - 12th grade. These years were filled with so much awkward. In 7th grade I was 12 years old. This is when one of my girl friends would spend the night and pretend to fall asleep then try to kiss and fondle me. I got off the bed and moved to the back of the room. She followed. After that I went downstairs to the couch and stayed there. This is also the age that it wasn't just peers trying to be inappropriate with me. An adult had caused the next echo of a snap. Shame, terror, and violation entered the picture. The year continued with seniors pushing me down to run across me and Teachers stopping their classes when they would see me in the hall to ask "Are you in the right school sweetie?" Believing me to belong in the grade school. 

From 3rd to 9th grade we lived in Pittsburgh. We were going to be moving to Alabama during the summer. People signed my yearbook and something unkind was written about two someones, next to their picture. So I scratched it out. The two people it was about wanted to know and would not let up and I would not tell. So we were to 'meet at the chain'  to fight after school. I will not go in to details but suffice it to say I won whatever way I could. There is no such thing as a fair fight. I look for the fastest way to end it without hurting the other person too badly but enough to make them stop.

By the time I hit 10th grade I already had a firm belief that the only reason anyone of my peers would like me was just to make fun of me and betray me for laughs or use me in ways I did not want. I also believed that if an adult was nice to me it was because they wanted to violate me in some way. To be honest I have no idea how I came off to my peers through the high school years. I spent most of it as emotionally guarded as I could all the while believing I wasn't emotionally worth much of anything good. I wasn't 'date-able' as I was told countless times "I don't want to look like I'm dating my little sisters best friend". I received threats on a few occasions from other female peers for reasons I still don't understand. On a whole though the school in Alabama was nicer than the one I came from. My peers were not as near critical as their northern counterparts. I just had no faith anyone would honestly like me as a person. My life remained tinted with that view a lot longer than most people would think.

In yearbooks I disappear after 10th grade. I am not pictured in the row of classmates and not mentioned in the names of the ones without pictures. There is one nameless photo I appear in that was taken sitting against a wall during a tornado drill and one picture in the yearbook after my graduating class I appear with my friend as prom dates. 

I really do think that classes should be introduced into school that talk about emotions and feelings and how they can manipulate us. We do a poor job with teaching emotional education. We as a society are failing on this front out of school as well. 

The years after school are for another write for another time. It wasn't until the last few years that I understood just how much I was letting fear drive my car. Anytime I was in public I was in a timid and terrified state even if it didn't look like it. Everything is ambiguous to me. I'm never quite sure what anyone is saying or how they mean it. I am very literal and find it easiest to accurately answer a question with as many specifics as possible.

It is because of these moments that I am very open about most things people find offensive or inappropriate and very private about things most are open about. This has also shaped some of my moral beliefs which are unconventional to most. The thing is, I may always be awkward and klutzy but now they are benefits rather than detriments.  I have learned that they are a part of my adorkable charm and I am good with that.

Those things that you think are your weaknesses are really your greatest strengths. You just haven't been taught how to see them properly because you are too busy feeling them.

Christmas and Holiday Break

Birthdays and holidays pretty much ended when I was 16. The idea of them as a celebration. Birthdays faded away and Holidays became a chore. A thing you do because tradition. They lost their magic. Or rather the consumerism machine killed their magic.

When I was growing up we lived on a tight budget. I always said it was like being broke but not poor. If you know me you know how choosy I am with my words. Broke implies a temporary fixable state. Poor implies lack. Lack of dedication. Lack of hope. Acceptance of sub par standards.

I was not particularly looking forward to this Christmas Season. It has been a tough year. In some ways one of my most trying. This year I was Poor. This year made it often feel like I was forced to grab my ankles while given the ole' heave ho. Even growing up as broke as we did I have never lived as poor as I have lived this year. And quite frankly it almost had me convinced that it's what I deserved. That I was worthless. Broken. Wrong. 

August through November alone were like a firework finale of 'how low can you go'. A hand jive made of all middle fingers. They were so intense in suckitude that I can barely remember the beginning of the year. It wasn't just financial but emotional as well. A double whammy. In November I had a break down. I don't even remember what the straw that broke the camel's back was but oh did it break. Out surrounded by people it gave. I simply against my own will crumpled to the floor in a flood of tears unable to stop.

That moment led to a breakthrough. I decided December was not going to follow suit, at least emotionally if I had anything to do about it. I did what I am good at. I used my determination to get up, stand tall, and keep my heart open. I was pains mistress for 28 years. Not just one type of pain but a buffet of it both physical and emotional. December was going to be mine. The way I wanted it to be. December was going to let me finish with some form of grace and poise even if it had to be through gritted teeth teetering on the edge of Give Up mountain. 

I made more time for myself to remain as centered as I could be. If I felt like I was beginning to let fear win, I stopped what I was doing and did something small for me. Listen to a song. Watch a movie. Take a nap. Drink a glass of wine. Watch the clouds. Reach out to friends. Linger in the bath longer. Whatever it was, it was for me.

Because I did that this month went much smoother than the previous ones. Still so close to losing everything but emotionally back to vibrant calm joy within myself. I have been working on flexibility and movement. I have been teaching gabe breathing techniques. I have changed quite a few old behaviors. I have emotionally matured in a major way. Meaning my emotions are more mature, less reactionary and defensive.

This holiday break alone has been tremendous progress. The biggest one has been my compassion. I feel like before my compassion was selfish. To be compassionate to others because it made me feel better. It upgraded. I now show compassion because it's truly healing for the other person. It has nothing to do with me anymore aside from being a conduit to it for others. 

I had a two hour conversation the other night with my younger sister and really got to know her as the adult and person she now is. We talk quite often but it was the first time she really let lose and reminisce about growing up and what it looked like for her. The behaviors that the family exhibited that hurt her. How she felt about it all and truly who she is. Ultimately my sisters and I know that we do and will always love one another. That we have each others backs. We are The Three Amigos. The Powerpuff Girls. An unbreakable trio. That doesn't mean we don't sometimes annoy each other but ultimately it's us against the world.

In my stretching the other day I felt things literally bubble up and release. I felt taller, straighter, and lighter than I have in a long time. It was a great way to approach Christmas festivities. This Christmas had the least amount of presents ever but the most amount of presence. I began to wonder if we have just been understanding it wrong. That holidays were always meant to be about presence and not presents. The lie consumerism feeds us.

I got to use my newly mature compassion and I got to sit in front of a fire in a fireplace for most of Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I can't begin to tell you how relaxing and magical having only string lights and a fire in the fireplace is to light an area. I turned off all overhead lighting and just soaked it in. Then around 1am I snuck outside all bundled up and just looked at the stars (there was very little light pollution where I was) and watched them reflect on the lake as the wind blew the neighbors wind chimes. It was as if the stars themselves were chiming. Those are the moments that refuel me. Those are the moments I want more of.

SOUNDTRACK

• Bad Mama Jama - Carl Carlton
• Mad About You - Sting
•  25.22 - Allen Rayman
• I Need Never Get Old - Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats
• Look It Here - Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats
• Roll The Bones - Shakey Graves
• Thunder - Imagine Dragons
• Barbecue - Emmet Otter's Jug Band

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts

a death to his identity... better to be a fool than a tool.... I write to romance myself... I suck at flirting... delve... dive... wild... meld... intensity... your presence is my present...

Emotions / Feelings

I have to say I am quite proud of myself tonight. You know how talks sometimes turn into fights/? It was set and prime for it tonight but for the first time every I was able to remain calm and relaxed instead of adding fuel to the fire. 

Self preservation can be a real bitch. We are or have been trained to take offense or feel a need to defend at almost every corner. Hearing things that simply aren't meant the way we perceive them to be. We all do this based beliefs we acquired. Beliefs are a very funny thing and require an entirely separate post. 

So, what could have led to another echo of the same resentments and fears simply did not echo. Calmer heads prevailed and for that you bet your ass I high five myself. 

Communicating is tricky business especially when we think we inherently know what the other person is trying to say or convey. There is a hug difference between Feeling and Emotions. 

EMOTIONS
They are physical and instinctive. They are hard-wired an their general purpose is to produce a specific response to a stimulus. They are measured by blood flow, brain activity, facial expressions and body stance. They are carried out by the limbic system which means they are illogical, irrational, and unreasonable because the limbic system is separate from - sitting literally behind - the neocortex, the part of the brain that deals with conscious thoughts, reasoning and decision making. The amygdala also plays a role by regulating the release of neurotransmitters essential for memory consolidation, which is why emotional memories can be so much stronger and longer-lasting. Emotions proceed feelings.

There is no clear list of universally recognized emotions. Fear. Grief. Love. Rage. Anger. Disgust. Happiness. Surprise. Aesthetic Experience. Anxiety. Compassion. Depression. Envy. Fright. Gratitude. Guilt. Hope. Jealousy. Love. Pride. Relief. Shame. Admiration. Adoration. Amusement. Awe. Awkwardness. Boredom. Calmness. Confusion. Contempt. Craving. Envy. Interest. Romance. Sexual Desire. Sympathy. Triumph are all parts of the map of emotions. Chemicals released in response to our interpretation of a specific trigger. It takes our brains 1/4 of a second to identify the trigger, and another 1/4 a second to produce the chemicals. The chemicals are released throughout our bodies, not just in our brains, and they form a kind of feedback loop between the brain and the body that lasts for about 6 seconds.

Biochemical reactions in your body altering your physical state. Originally they helped our species to survive by producing quick reactions to threat, reward, and everything in between. They are coded in our genes and are generally universally similar across all humans and other species.


FEELINGS
Feelings on the other hand play out in our heads. They are mental associations and reactions to an emotion that are personal and acquired through experience. There are over 4,000 feelings listed in the English language. Emotions are universal but what kind of feeling it will then become varies enormously from person to person because they are shaped by individual temperament and experience. 

As we begin to integrate the emotion and let it soak in we use "feel" for both physical and emotional sensation. You can feel cold both physically and emotionally. Feeling is something we sense.

Feeling originate in the neocortical regions of the brain, are mental associations and reactions to emotions and are subjective being influenced by personal experience, beliefs, and memories. Feelings are the mental portrayal of what is going on in your body when you have an emotion and is the byproduct of your brain perceiving and assigning meaning to the emotion.

Feelings are sparked by emotions and colored by thoughts, memories, and images that have become subconsciously linked with that particular emotion for you. Bit it works the other way around too. For example just thinking about something threatening can trigger an emotional fear response. While individual emotions are temporary, the feelings they evoke may persist and grow over a lifetime. Because emotions cause subconscious feelings which in turn initiate emotions and so on, your life can become a never-ending cycle of painful and confusing emotions which produce negative feelings which cause more negative emotions without you ever really knowing why. 

Emotions are like a handout and Feelings are like a helping hand

As soon as I felt the need to defend myself I took a breath instead and waited 6 seconds before trying to even formulate a response or question. I continually remind myself that other's opinions are just that. Their opinions. And they are as entitled to them as I am of my own. We often forget that. When I talk about my feelings it is not because I am trying to sway you to my opinions. I am simply trying to convey how I feel whether you feel it is right or wrong is of little matter to me as my worth is not based on your opinions. Nor should yours be based on mine.

Remember that the emotions and feelings are not the same thing. The initial reaction is an emotion and if you argue or converse from there it will almost always end up a round table of hurt.

The world is what you / we make it

It’s literally like I know I’m going to be a one of a kind amazing bad ass person. For all the trials I’ve had there has always been opportunities for greatness. There is always a balance. I just haven’t decided what way.
Like the gymnastics. Within of being scouted and having the scout cover my costs because he saw something. After a few months there were plans to send me to Bela Karolyi to train for chance at the Olympics. Or that I became a Mensa member as a teen. Published poetry in high school and was strongly urged to submit to competitions. Etc. the point is there were opportunities for greatness I just didn’t choose those avenues for whatever reasons. And by greatness I don’t mean in a popular, famous way. I mean a clarity of determination, skill, and dedication to what truly moves me. It’s like the choose a path in a forest. The high path or the low path. The clear path or the overgrown path. They look different and they teach you different things but they are the same. A path. I specifically choose the word path here instead of a road. That word is too defined, conjuring up images of actual roads. Regardless of the paths linear direction. No matter what you choose it is always a ‘path’. I think we are all built for greatness. We are just all in different stages.
There is always a balance but oh how we love to linger on the side we feel is tragic. Believing so many lies about ourselves. Hurt growing and raising hurt. And we end up back at Fear, the Granddaddy of hurt and all things we consider negative. Fear has no real power. It just likes to make you believe it has. It is a manipulation of self. Just one of many perspectives. Powered by your belief in it.
That is why when I 'fear' something I do my best to not run away, or hide, or tremble but to observe it, to know it, to engage with it. By facing fear we heal ourselves.
I know in my very core that whatever paths I choose the thing that remains a constant is my determination, skill, and dedication to what moves me. And really, so much does.

What I was trying to say is because I’m working on skill and determination those opportunities will still come by. Because it’s not the opportunities that make me great. It’s me. It is my core ability to never give up. To never truly believe that I am worth less. Not to just have hope but to see it.

We allow on own fears to hold us back individually and because of it the whole is messy. And truly I believe it’s meant to be for without that very thing you would not be able to observe it’s polarity. We live in the 3rd dimension. 3. Tails. Heads. And the edge itself where they meet. The world is what we make it. On the ‘individual’ level And on the ‘As a whole’ level.

As we learn to forgive ourselves, we learn to forgive others and we all start to heal which has an affect on the 'whole'. That being said I don't think you heal the tribulations away. They remain for others so that they can find the right questions to also grow and heal. Every experience hones something in you. Like transportation. We start not being able to even roll over or hold up our own heads. We need to learn balance and strength. We need to use those to use them more efficiently. Those steps are needed before crawling and crawling is needed before we can walk. Walking before running. Once we get there then we learn to ride a bike, drive a car, etc. The point is if you put a baby or a toddler in a car they won't be able to drive it. You can't just jump ahead. You need an obstacle course. You need repetition to hone. How could we if there were no tribulations. Everything serves a purpose.

Purpose - the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. Synonyms - Intend. Function. Design. Principle. Scope. Prospect. Endeavor. Usance. Congruity. Doer. Maker. Originator. Movement.

It's not always a grand purpose to the average eye. They can be giant things or minuscule ones but no matter the size or look they are equal in their importance regardless if you think that importance is silly, good, bad, useless, etc. What you think about them does not alter their function. It alters YOURS.

Me? I have a new perspective on my worth. I'm stoked like a fire. I am the fuel not the flame.
I am the oxygen that allows it to burn.

Washing Machines are a Godsend

I once again have a washing machine. Nothing will make you appreciate doing laundry in your house more than not having a washing machine. Over the span of the last three days I have washed every sheet, clothes, blanket, pillow case, and towel. It is glorious! It's amazing how much just that one thing changed the overall feel of the house. It smells like dryer sheets now and there are not piles of clothes laying on the floor in varying stages of needs washed next. I even put every last thing away and for anyone that knows me understands that of all jobs and duties it ranks as the one I do not like to do. I love to clean, wash, tidy, and especially vacuum but man O man I hate putting clothes away. I think that stems from it's not just putting mine away but everyone elses. Yes I could just make tidy piles and tell the others to do it themselves and sometimes I do but I am also one of those people who feel like if you aren't going to do it the right way then I need to do it.

I do realize this is my own form of control. If you want something done right then best to do it yourself. Lately I have relaxed to the point of let them do it their way and just fix it once it is bothering me. Growing up my fathers solution was to go about the common areas of the house and anything that was not put up properly made it to a giant pile in the middle of the floor. If we hurried and still put things back in the wrong places the pile started all over. I have been tempted to employ this technique but I know it would mostly get walked over until I could no longer take it and put it away. The thing is they are all old enough (aside from Gabe) to not need me be that kind of mother.

I am the kind of person that realizes people do exactly what they want. I can ask for help. I can ask for them to do things and they will gladly get up and do it but waiting for them to initiate will leave me waiting a life time. This was always Dads complaint as well. "If  you see me raking the yard, don't ask to help, just help" The complaint is when it comes to things that are chores. Feel like chores. Like keeping the house clean. I enjoy cleaning but I also enjoy other people not treating it like a waste bin. I enjoy when others respect my work enough to help maintain what I have done. Not leave half filled cups, dirty clothes, empty plates, and garbage laying around.

I have enough garbage cans placed about that at no point should a wrapper or more lay on a table or desk when the can is in equal reaching distance. It's the little things. This is one of my 'ticks'. One of the things that make me feel invisible or as if I don't matter. I'm not looking for praise for keeping things tidy but I am looking for respect not to trash it up.

I used to run a tighter ship. I used to employ other tactics but found it left me feeling like the ring master having to make everyone perform. I reset my priorities. I don't relax well when I look around and see a million tiny things that need doing. It used to be so bad that I couldn't fall asleep at night if I knew the kitchen chair was not pushed in all the way. I have come along way from just how anal I used to be about things like leaving closets open, lights on in rooms you aren't using, blankets folded the right way to lay on the back of the couch, couch pillows and cushions placed appropriately, etc. The list goes on and on.

I also know that my level of control in those things was directly related to the lack of control I had on my own life and emotions. Because I felt like I had no control when it came to my health and therefore life, I controlled everything else. I have come a very long way and no longer try to control it all. It is like anything really. I found I spent so much time controlling every aspect that I had no time for living or rather enjoying my life, which is no way to live at all.

I need nothing other than myself to move the whole world

You read that right. I very much feel like I live up to my name. I believe names have power and intention. They have a frequency and vibration. My mother used names of queens. Victoria, Cynthia, and Christine. It always drives me nuts that Chrissys does not end in an 'a' as the first two do.

When I was younger it used to drive me bonkers that the only thing I could ever find about the meaning of my name was 'Moon Goddess' and to be fair that is at least better the Jones Smith and Williams' affect of "God-like, Honoring God, Gift of God" kind of answer.

So yeah I'm a moon goddess warrior of honesty.  That is literally the vibration of my name. Warrior Maiden for my middle name Louise which I love and sometimes use in place of Cynthia. My maiden last name which is Austrian/German and means Honest. 

So for years I looked and looked for another way to interpret my first name until one day I realized what the moon does.

1. Reflects Light (like a disco ball)
2. Needs nothing other than itself to move the whole world

In fact #2 is true for everyone it's just not everyone realizes it.

Thing's I would miss if there was no moon

1. Eclipse's 
2. Ocean Tides
3. Longer Days
4. Illuminated Nights
5. A Solid Axis Tilt
6. All The Music that it inspires
7. There would be nothing to be goddess of
8. And most importantly THE MOON! Need I say more?

It is the carnation on night's lapel. I will forever be drawn to it and comforted by it and always always illuminated by it.

While on the subject of Illuminating and how #2 is true for everyone, I would like to take a moment to mention how awesome my friends are. How awesome people can be when we take the time to be present. 

Just this week:

1. One sent a package and added a violet surprise. Because they is tricksie like that. Always genuine and present and oh so creative! I can just see that coy mischievous but gloriously happy smirk on your face as you added it.
2. Another allowed me to just be there for them in a present way. I often feel like I am always the one needed guidance or learning lessons. That I am usually the one needing some kind of support. It is a treat to be able to switch sides and be the one giving the support especially with someone that has been such a big strength to me.
3. One sent me a sunset. Stopped and took the time to pull over and capture it. I do not know if was with intent to share with me or simply a moment of awareness of association between my love of color and light and them experiencing it and enjoying it enough to remind them of me and that others can appreciate it as they do.Their thoughtfulness stops time for me.
4. One that shares the absurd with me and their own stories of folly.
5. One that helped me to look at my emotions to understand how to use them better.

To end my day my sister came and picked up Gabe and I so we could let the kids play at the park at twilight. It's magical because everyone else goes home and you get to watch the sky turn from blues to yellows, oranges, and pinks, and then drowsily close her eyes as the crickets begin to sing the approaching night. We always find ways to play. We enjoy it as much as the children do. Tonight Vicki wen't down the slide with her camera on and the light from the phone shown through the slide. It was as if the slide ate a firefly. 

I sat for a time and just watched her. Watched her play with the children there. Observed her in the present and remember all that we have shared in our lives together. To hear her voice off in the distance mixed with the kids playing hide and seek feels like home to me. Those moments last forever and yet are gone in the blink of an eye. It was the best part of my day. Having that time with her during my favorite part of the day was a gift. 

It was the most perfect night air. One of those so intoxicating nights you have to drag yourself back inside unless you can succumb to a hammock, a tent, a porch swing, etc. Nights where there is nothing but magic to share. In fact it's so glorious I'm ending this here to return to it. May you find your moments like this. Those little treasures that are priceless.

By moving myself with moments like these in in turn move those around me. Everything you do has a gravitational affect. You and only you are the catalyst to any and all change within your life. 

Dreams

I have always loved to dream. The first dream I vividly remember having was when I was 5 years old. I dreamt E.T. was standing behind a screened door of a blue porch Sticking his tongue out at me while wiggling his fingers. I woke up terrified. This has to do with seeing the movie in the theater and being terrified when he was running through the woods in the beginning and breathing all heavy. There was a pretty decent thunderstorm going on at the same time and the combination of the storm flicking the power and the roll of the thunder being so loud and his god awful breathing and scurrying through the woods was just too much for my imagination. Looking at him used to make me physically ill. Just sooooo creepy to me.

The next dream at 6 years old was our house in the middle of the night with all the furniture out of the wood floor living room. There was a circle of curtains standing the in the middle and again something small and gurgglie on the other side. I just remember it was pig-men and it was battle royale.

I have a 99% call rate on my memory. It's sharp and forever imprinting. My dreams have always been extremely vivid and detailed. Like one back in my high school days where my friend and I were walking to this 5 story building and there was a giant pink rabbit sitting next to it. The rabbit's mouth just at the roof line of the building. Find out it's a giant slide so my friend races to the top and slides down, popping out of the toe. I leave her to her fun and decide to walk back to the houseboat and as I'm meandering down a wooded path my sister lifts the edge of the pool up so that all the water is now rushing at me. Once at the houseboat I go below and join in a card game with a Chinese man who is sitting next to the hot tub. After losing several hands I sat down in the hot tub and looked at my ankle which has a thin line of black hair slowly growing up my leg and a small appendage is extending from the ball joint. A few moments later it's an Indian who tosses a card at me and gives me passing life wisdom. 

I dream in color and in any dream I can tell you what everyone was wearing, the colors of it, and if I had any artistic talent at all with perspective I could draw them. I have the standard being chased kind of dreams but they repeat like video game levels more than anything. I just keep going and trying a different thing each time until I find one that works. I had your standard nightmare kind of dreams where a t-rex is stalking the house and looking in the windows or everyone laughing at me kind of things. After kids the nightmares really got quite intense until I learned how to keep them out of my dreams.

I have even died on a few occasions and I always find those so interesting. Once I drowned and sunk to the bottom of the pool ever so slowly. Another time I was shot in the head in a parking garage and I remember the smell of the asphalt and watching the blood slowly pool and run down the ramp as the sound of my heartbeat slowed and my vision faded.

Then there are the other kinds of dreams. The sentient ones. The ones that over time and space link together forming a town of their own. Like my mind has built a state and when I have a dream I know it's location within or around that town in that state. It's bits and pieces of all kinds of places and things from my experiences. Sometimes they have nothing to do with me at all.

My dreams are populated. Mostly by strangers. In fact I very rarely dreams about living people that I know. I have had dreams of dead loved ones who occasionally pop by for a visit or to let me know something. I remember telling my mother 2 weeks before her father died that he would be dying soon because of a dream I had. 

A day after my fiance's suicide I dreamed I was sitting on a red velvet couch in a black void and he sat with me and told me excitedly about all the chemicals they used to embalm him and the stages they did things in and then mentioned being buried in Kentucky. The strange thing about this was I had no clue that was where the family plots were. I assumed because they lived in Alabama that their plots would be here. It wasn't until 3 days later I found out through a family member that he was in fact buried in Kentucky.

He would show up here and there in my dreams but he always kept his distance for the first few years. Until I had healed enough that I wouldn't wake up crying and looking for him. I got used to seeing him and most often we would just walk and talk until the time that I decided I was going to get married to my husband. In the dream I was in a parking lot at a grocery store and he came to let me know that it was ok and he wouldn't be around much because he wanted me to enjoy the rest of my life and the experiences to be had.

He only showed up once after that. He was moving stuff in to a small cottage that was set against rolling hills and shaded by a small grove of trees. He led me in to show me what he had been doing and when I stepped in I started to recognize everything. A carpet from one dream. A lamp from another. Everything was from my other dreams. I asked him what he was doing and he smiled and simply replied "I'm making a space for you that is comfortable for when it is the time to wait you will be surrounded by familiar comfortable things" 

My ability to lucid dream has been growing. This has been a focus for me. I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I'm dreaming, when I'm dreaming. I am so excited to get to a point where I can create and do whatever I want without the consequences of things like gravity.

I wrote all of this because I am curious what dreaming is like for other people. Do you dream in color? Do you dream of strangers? Do you dream of dying? Do yours feel like a movie or are sentient?

SOUNDTRACK

• Red Right Hand - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
• Lost Stars - Keira Knightley
• We Don't Need Another Hero - Tina Turner
• Goodnight My Friend - Galavant

I totally geeked out the last two days. Day one I spent immersed in puzzle games and brain games. The day after Isaac and I played Yahtzee for a while, I stared at Christmas lights through various containers and materials, and started building a puzzle.

Today it was made known to me that words with friends can be played in messenger without having to install the app. I figured this out when my sister decided to challenge me knowing full well I can't ignore word games. I... Must.... Play.... and so starts the battles. I currently have 5 different games going. I just simply can't resist. My family knows this and I think they do this on purpose.

Love Never Subtracts. It Multiplies.

I love a great many people. Truly love them. This often gets misunderstood in our society.

I have a husband who I love. I have children who I love. And I have friends who I love. When I make new friends and connections I love them too. Because of my ‘pool’ of love the depth is the same across the board because it’s coming from the same place within me.

In loving others it does not subtract from the love I feel in my other relationships. I think that most people miss this. Society thinks it should be contained. That when you make new connections and show deep love and care to those not in your immediate circle somehow lessens that love. It is simply not true.

We have been trained to believe that if you show others that deep love it must be because something is lacking in our immediate relationship. Because if you were truly fulfilled in your current relationships you wouldn’t need to look elsewhere.

This is total malarkey. At least for me. I’m not extending love out because of a lack of it. I extend it out too multiply it. To share it. To add to it.

My children used to ask “who do you love more? Do you have a favorite?” I would tell them “I love you equally in intensity and depth, however the things I love about you are different and unique to each of you. There is no favorite because you are not the same. You have different strengths and weaknesses. I do not love you solely because you are my children. I love you for the unique individuals you are. There is no way to compare such a thing. Just like you love your father and I in different ways for different reasons but the depth of the love is the same.”

When you have one child and then have another, the second one does not subtract from the love you feel for the first one. No matter how many more you have it does not subtract from the ones before. It adds.

The same for anyone you choose to love. Love is not possessive. It is not demanding.

Love is simple. It is us who complicate it by trying to define and control it in others.

I truly love everyone of my friends. Regardless of their station, skin color, or gender.
All of our hearts are red.

Getting In My Own Way

I do not like to lose my temper. When emotions over ride my ability to respond rather than react. Right now this is the only way I feel like saying anything. Preferring in life to just keep my mouth shut as I don't want to hurt myself further with it. I do not like being emotional but neither do I want to control it to the point that they lessen to the point of disappearing.
I said some things yesterday that I regret. Things that were totally irrelevant to the conversation that was being had. I was hurting and growing frustrated and that is when I threw more on than needed or wanted. I walked away being the maddest I have probably ever been at myself. It's a catch 22 because I want to not be ruled by my emotions and yet don't want to control them in the wrong ways.
I have always punished myself more than anyone else ever could. I find myself sitting here doing just that. I walked right into it and if that wasn't enough I behaved like a petulant teenage or a toddler throwing a tantrum. Now in reality it was no where near as severe as I make it sound but it was that severe to me. There comes a point when right and wrong stop mattering. Taking a backseat to the way I feel. Which is important and not important at the same time. Important because feelings help in so many ways and we all want to feel loved and unimportant because they gunk up the gears and cause undue stress when dealing with anyone other than yourself. I haven't decided yet which is better for me and I'm stuck a bit in between them.
It takes a lot of strength to be the bigger person and I know I am capable of it but sometimes just lack the energy for it. Also quite frankly I get tired of it. It leaves me feeling unappreciated if I'm the one always having to take the high road. I know I feel like that because I haven't found the right combination of things I need to release the stress and strain that I sometimes feel. That we all feel from time to time. I would love to exercise it out, or take a break when I need it, paint, write, whatever but there are times I get in my own way and this is where other people come in very handy. This is where family and friends have the greatest impact. When I can't seem to escape myself.
I sat down earlier and decided to watch Alice Through The Looking Glass because I needed a little magic. I needed to escape or rather to return home in a sense. While watching the movie my father called and told me something that instantly made me cry. He paid me the biggest compliment. A genuine moment of connection. He is proud of me. This year will be remembered by me as the year I felt I was truly connected to my father. A man I have practically idolized my entire life. A man whose opinion has always mattered more than he can ever realize. It is the year he told me what he admired about me. Validated. Loved. Appreciated. An Adult and an Equal.
A dear friend of mine took time out their day yesterday to stop and take a few sunset pictures to share with me. Knowing I have been missing sunsets greatly. Again I cried. People are capable of such beautiful things. It was totally unexpected and it's the sincerity and care that bring me to tears. It was such a simple thing to them and yet to me it was immense. It literally stopped time briefly.
I am so appreciative of the people in my life. Each and every one of them helps in different ways. I consider each one magical. Each has their own magic that they share. My fireflies, my stars, my catalysts, my comforts, I would not survive without those connections.

To all those people and society that don't understand me and feel a need to make me feel small because of my beliefs.

I'm sorry that I offend you in so many ways. That somehow by being me, it hurts you because of your insecurities. They are yours and not mine and I am tired of you trying to make me believe they are true. They are not my truth. I will not climb back into that cage. If you do not like to be in one, why try to put others in them?

And to top off all of that this morning after dropping off gabe I see that everyone is in their pj's. It's a pj day at school and I did not know. Gabe is one of the very few children dressed in clothes instead of pj's. This absolutely made me feel like a horrible mother. I failed. Hard on this. I had no idea and I should have. 

Now I'm back to my silence for a time. I'm just not doing so great today. I am doing my best to salvage what I can and forgive myself but I just don't believe in me today.

How you represent yourself and others says everything

It snowed. Big fluffy flakes of snow. It started late in to the night but that didn't stop everyone from waking up and going outside to experience it. It has been almost 27 years for me to experience snow like that. North Carolina was nothing but slush and black ice and Chattanooga just simply didn't deliver while I was there.
It was pure magic. The red cheeks, the wet clothes, the cold hands, the laughter and the snowball fights. My favorite part was when the children all went back in and it got quiet enough to hear the snow land. What a soft subtle sound. It is a night I won't soon forget.
It came at just the right time for me as well. The week and the months prior have been heavy on the feeling side of things. So much to process. So much felt or not felt. To the point that I staying further and further away from media and people. Isolating as I am apt to do, so I don't put my foot in my mouth.
I am learning that not everything needs to be said. In fact very little actually needs to be said. There was a quote I heard that went "when you try to solve the worlds problems, you only create more." I thought about it from many different perspectives and the one that stands out to me is you create more chaos when trying to solve other people's problems before your own. Yes there are things in the world that need to change and I'm not saying we shouldn't facilitate that change but it really does have to start from within you first.
To truly help others it takes more than just words. More than just attempting to teach something to someone, you must follow with an action. I can hear and read words from so many sources but I look to the actions of the person to decide if the words hold any truth. I can stand on a hill all day saying "love one another" but until I come down off that hill and actually show it as an action it is empty. Hollow. Fluff. People don't listen to the Dali Lama simply because he is wise but because he shows his heart through action, presence, and essence.

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When you start a business and you are trying to sell something what you are really doing is selling yourself. Meaning you are as much a part of the brand as the thing you are selling and who you are and how you show yourself will have an affect on what people believe to be true about your product based on you as a person. It truly can make or break you.
In truth this happens whether there is a business or not. Who you are as a person determines the validity of your words and whether people will listen or not to what you say. How you carry yourself. How you speak about others. How you treat those beneath and above you. Your tone. Your body language. So many little unspoken things that most don't even realize they are processing when talking with someone.

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I have bee in a bit of a feisty mood and perhaps a bit vile on the inside. I have since removed myself from the situations causing the distress for a time. I do not like to see needless suffering and yet I watch so many do it over and over to themselves. It's not for me to judge. I have to remind myself that they have their own lessons to learn but I do tend to get snippy when an outside influence is what is causing the disruption in others around me. 

Yesterday I tried many different techniques to let it all go. Some worked for a few minutes but that was all. I even went so far as to put on a fir tree wax melt last night, light candles and set up my Spotify on the Roku. It also did little to pull me out but at least the house smelled like fir trees and that made me smile.

I began to wonder if my chemical balances have changed. Much like it felt after giving birth. Not feeling like me, or the me I am used to. I do not like being moody but sometimes those emotions take over and refuse to be subdued. I sat in them. I felt them. I did my best to just allow them and let them pass. Upon waking up this morning I feel a bit better and will continue to as long as I stay away from the situation that is causing my angst.

This morning Gabe was talking about how sonic the hedgehog is dimensional while Sanic is flat. I explained the difference between 2 dimensional and 3 dimensional. He quipped "My boobs are 2d and yours are 3d." I laughed at the simplicity and his application of the statement. On the car ride to school we talked about when water get's really cold it freezes but when it gets really hot it evaporates. He was fascinated with this and excitedly said "You taught me something new!" We both like when that happens. I think it's why he likes our talks so much. I try to work in new concepts and information when we do it. He also stated that I should have presents under the tree like him and Izabel, and Isaac. I told him I didn't need any because they are the best presents I ever got and that my favorite gifts are hugs, kisses, smiles, and laughter.

Haiku
A hollow body
In depleted surrender
Lying motionless

THAT TIME WHEN.....

• I wondered outside to run an errand and couldn't find my car for about 10 minutes. All the while it was parked right in front of the apartment. 
• I scoured the house for my pajama top at 1 in the morning and ended up leaving my hoodie on and crashing out only to find out the next morning that I was wearing the pajama top the whole time.

SOUNDTRACK

• Silent Monks singing Hallelujah
• Oh Yeah - Yello
• La Habanera - Yello
• Whispers - Passengers (Bing Lounge)
• Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear - The Muppet Show
• Brainstew - Green Day
• Christmas Time is Killing Us - Family Guy
• Night of the Wolf - Nox Arcana
• Friday Night - Lily Allen
• Shame For You - Lily Allen
• Glory Box - Portishead
• Beach House - Spacehog
• Never Gonna Happen - Lily Allen

LIKES

• Complete List of Songs Phoebe Buffay from Friends
• Joey's date with his stalker Erica (Friends)
• Donald Duck in Mathmagic Land
• Paint on a speaker - The SloMo Guys
• WORDS: Superfluous. Extremity. Aphrodisiac. Gregacious (A combination of gregarious and gracious). Literally. Satisfication (Satisfaction meets gratification. It is the ultimate form of pleasure).  Wisened (past tense of wisen). Equilibrium. Foible. 

SNAPSHOTS

Random Thoughts:

Consciousness, is it because of us? or regardless of us?... The true test of humanity is how humane we treat each other... Biophotons... Human soul and free will are not materialistic methods but metaphysical qualities of consciousness... Nipple Pinch Genocide... Stardust... Moonbeams... Occurred Thought... The heart of a house is the kitchen, the vents are the lungs, Plumbing is the digestive track... Skin suit personalities... raspberry glazed sunsets... I have texture, a wild heart, a fervid spark... The principle of gravity changes depending on the mass of the object... 

A bitter pill to swallow
A pratfall and obstruction
In let down I do wallow
Daily worth reduction